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If Her Boyfriend Supports Her, What Will People Think? And...Presenting Your Relationship At An Office Party
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
DEAR CAT: I’m in a little bit of a pickle (more like a cucumber in waiting). I’m 23, living with my boyfriend of five years (we are very serious, just not in a huge rush to get married). We graduated from college last May and in July I went back to school for my master’s. After months of working and going to school full time and taking care of my sick mother, I’m spent. My current job will end soon and my boyfriend and I talked about whether we could afford for me to not work in the winter. After crunching the numbers, it’s doable. But Iâm afraid his family will think I’m being a mooch and I don’t want to make either of us look bad. Is it ever socially acceptable to âtake some time offâ from climbing the corporate ladder? Would it be better to pretend like I’m unemployable so he doesn’t have to hear it for having a girlfriend he âtakes care ofâ financially? âGROWING UP STINKS
DEAR GROWING: Growing up is hard but it beats not growing at all. The key to it â and the best part – is making your own life choices. Itâs ok to take a break but it works best within a larger plan: three months, six months? Have a timetable so you donât drift off. Since marriage is in your sights, maintaining a good impression with your families is definitely important but you still must decide what lifestyle suits you best without worrying about the approval or censure of others. If youâre grown-up enough to have a five year, living-together relationship, youâre grown up enough to own your choices. Pretending like you canât get a job doesnât look better than âwonâtâ get a job. Plus lying to his family will strain your relationship and you’ll face incessant questions about job prospects. Sure, take a break, but talk it out, plan ahead and really use it to relax and regroup becauseâ¦Catâs Call: If it doesnât help you get to the next step, itâs not worth it.
DEAR CAT: Everyone knows not to date coworkers and plenty of people do it anyway. My boyfriend and I met at a small, tight-knit company and worked together for a few years. We weren’t breaking any official rules but we purposely stayed under the radar (most of our peers knew, but the boss probably didn’t). I recently left the company on good terms. Now a big company party is coming up. Can I be his date without looking like I’m trying to cling to the old gang? Will it make things awkward for him going forward? — COMPANY INK
DEAR COMPANY: Youâre not clinging to the gang, youâre going to a party with your boyfriend. Yes dating a coworker is usually frowned upon but itâs not a felony. Might it be awkward for him? Doubtful. Not only because you no longer work there but because the usual raised eyebrows and frowns tend to favor women for some reason. Your relationship isnât a surprise to your coworkers soâ¦.Catâs Call: Go to the party, catch up with everyone and donât give it another thought.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
For “Growing Up Stinks”, I would recommend a part-time job in a completely different field than she’s been training for, while she takes a break from the corporate climb. Like, try being a barista at Starbuck’s instead of the accounting, legal, education, microcellular biology or whatever she’s trained hard for. It will be refreshing, I think, to be able to do something without “homework” and meetings and overtime, and it continues her employment, as well. A decade ago, I did that, and not only did it refresh me, I met a neat bunch of people I would not have met otherwise, and it gave me a new perspective on life.
— Jon in Bradenton, FL 01/26/2010 Reply
You once again gave excellent advice this morning Cat, but here is my two cents. Growing up Stinks needs to remember that if she always tells the truth (meaning tells the truth about her desire to take a little time off while living with her boyfriend), she won’t need to remember her lies or tell new lies about it. And Company Ink, with respect to her relationship, (in my opinion) has done nothing wrong in the past and hopefully has nothing to worry about in the future. Just go with the truth ladies.
— carm in pittsburgh 01/26/2010 Reply
To “Growing Up Stinks” -trust me when I tell you that life is going to be easier once you are all done with school and all settled in a job. I would just suggest that you look into going full time at school (if you aren’t already) and apply for some type of financial aid (or a grauduate assistantship at the school -that is the way to go -the school usually pays for some of your tuition and sometimes includes a stipend).
As one who has been engaged three times in my life (I’m finally married), I would just caution you in fully depending upon your boyfriend. Once you are married it is a different story, but for now, I would do whatever I could to maintain some type of independence and a system that works for you whether or not he is in the picture (although it sure sounds like you have a solid relationship -but I just wanted to add my two cents in). Also, I’m not sure what you are studying, but I would at this point take a moment to really dig in to make sure that the masters degree that you are pursuing is something that you really want to do (perhaps shadow someone in the profession and learn as much as you can). Since you have the luxury of pursuing school now instead of working, I would maximize this opportunity as best as I could. Good luck to you!
For the other posting about dating a coworker, I would probably let my manager know that you are dating his former employee -just so they aren’t caught completely off guard. Since everyone else is in the know, it just may be awkward when the truth comes out that the manager was the only one who didn’t know. You certainly don’t have to, but I would probably do this to make it easier on everyone. Have fun!
— Debbie, Mt. Lebanon 01/26/2010 Reply
No self-respecting woman sponges off her boyfriend. Or anyone for that matter. Your mother is sick, which is too bad. Doing school and working is hard, that’s life. At least you live with your boyfriend and you don’t have to worry about things like rent, food and basic necessities. Any money you make is extra and who can’ use more of that in this economy? Quit feeling sorry for yourself and go out and get a job like “Jon in Bradenton” suggests.
— Cal, Philadelphia 01/26/2010 Reply
For “Growing Up Stinks”: Your spent? At age 23? I went through a period of time in my life when I HAD TO rely on my husband for everything because I got laid off. I at least got a part-time job to feel as though I were contributing to the household. Even with the part-time job I found it difficult. Regardless of whether it is doable, you are going to put all the weight on your boyfriend’s shoulders because you need a break from life? Wouldn’t we all like a break from life now and then. It’s called a one week vacation to the beach.
I must be from the old school . . . put your big girl panties on and suck it up.
— Mary, Pittsburgh 01/26/2010 Reply
Hi Cat,
Back in January I wrote to you as a frazzled young adult seriously in need of some third party advice. You posted my question live, gave me some great insight yourself, and opened the door for a bunch of others to comment. Not all were pretty, but hey, that’s life. I just came across some of the nearly year-old answers, many of which were to the point of “put on your big girl panties and stop whining,” and I laughed out loud. You see, I was in a bad place when I wrote in. Confused, tired, stressed out, and pretty desperate. I get why people were rude. But now? Well, things are pretty darn different.
I just wanted to write in and let you know how you helped me. I was getting my master’s degree, working full-time, and taking care of my very ill mother – while dealing with a chronic condition myself – when I wanted to take a few months off. After talking with the live-in BF, I did just that.
But because of your advice, we made a game plan first.
I was able (because I had said game plan) to truly focus on what I wanted to do with my life, for the first time, ever. It wasn’t just about normal responsibilities that everyone has, or family obligations. Being only 23, I was able to say, hey wait – I want my life to turn out a certain way and if I don’t hop off this track I’m on now, it won’t happen.
Since January, I was able to accept an internship in sunny Los Angeles for the spring, pretty much a dream job of mine. I was able to let go of some of the guilt I carried around constantly and learn that while my mother is ill, she’s still perfectly capable of calling on my older brother and other family members when she needs something (and she won’t hurt for it, either). I’m not my mother’s mother, I finally learned. I don’t feel quite so bad now saying, I have my own health and sanity to worry about – can I worry about yours later? Because if I’m broken, I’m no good to either of us.
But better than that, because I had the support of my boyfriend (financially, emotionally) I was able to pick and choose exactly what kind of future I wanted, career wise. I am now in a position that I couldn’t have dreamt up. My job is amazing and I truly love going to work every day. AND I’m now making enough that I’m the breadwinner, so if my boyfriend ever loses his job or needs time off, I can support him, like he did me. It bettered both of us for me to take those two steps back that I so desperately craved. I don’t think he minds that he can put his feet up now every once in awhile, and I’m right there, handing him a beer and saying “Honey, I appreciate you, but get your damn feet off the table.”
I thought that growing up stunk when I wrote in to you. But this past year has shown me, truly, that life is what you make it. I’m a successful young woman that’s worked hard for everything I’ve ever had in my whole life (readers are very assuming, thinking we know the whole story about everything – I try to remember that when I comment) and I don’t feel guilty that I have the love and support of a wonderful man who gave me a choice for once…I wasn’t forced to do something that would have made us both miserable in the long run. And when it comes to our families, we’ve been able to get them to butt out a bit. I guess that’s also part of the growing up process? Getting balls big enough to say, “hey, we’re doing this on our own, stop making us feel bad for it because it’s not what you want?”
I guess my advice to anyone else is this: Life is going to suck, but BEFORE you hit that breaking point of no return, don’t just suck it up and hope for the best. I hope everyone has someone they can turn to in their time of need, and they truly look into themselves and see what they want out of their life – THEN GO CHASING AFTER IT. I took six months off of working at a crappy job that I would have hated having for the rest of my life. I moved across the country, used up nearly all of my savings, depended, fully, on someone else to keep me safe and warm – and I’m a better and smarter person because of it. I’m in a happier place now. And I wish every single day that I could return the favor, pass it on, somehow. I guess thanking you and sharing what I learned is a starting point?
Those readers that commented that life was tough and I needed to get over it? Well, they sound a little bitter. And I feel bad for them – because maybe if they did what I did and told the world to f-off for a few months, they wouldn’t seem so angry all the time about how much life sucks.
There are A LOT of things that we can’t control in life – but we can choose exactly how and when to be happy. We do control how we react to our circumstances, even if we can’t control the circumstances themselves. With your help, I took control of my life, and I haven’t looked back since.
Thanks for helping me out, Cat. Or at least, giving me the courage (and the sense) to go after what I wanted, the right way.
PS – The wedding is scheduled for 2012. :-)
— Formerly known as Growing Up Stinks 09/28/2010 Reply
For Growing Up Stinks – Glad it all worked out for you. I wish Cat got more feedback from her advice subjects.
You seemed a little upset about a couple of the comments, even though I thought most were overall positive. Keep in mind that the majority of people drudge through this work-a-day world of ours, and never have an opportunity to “take a break from life”, as you put it. Especially at your relatively young age of 23.
I think the comments were reasonable, but even if you don’t, when you put personal info on a public access website, you subject yourself to the scrutiny of others. Like it or not, it was your choice to do so.
Finally, you mention how much “life sucks” (your words) numerous times. I know you mentioned caring for your ill Mother, and your own health issues, but it struck me as unusual that someone your age, well educated, and in what sounds like a positive, stable relationship, would make such bleak comments. I don’t get that, and it suggests to me that there are other issues in play on which you didn’t elaborate.
Good luck with your marriage. Are we all invited?
— Ben - Virginia 09/28/2010 Reply