Columns
The Rules Of Cheating & Good Friend, Bad Husband
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
DEAR CAT: With all the technology available today (social networking sites, cell phones, internet dating, etc.), it is much easier for someone to cheat because it is so much easier to meet people, and also itâs much easier to get caught through tracking online activity. Assuming you have documented proof, when you catch someone cheating, what are the rules? Assuming you are one of the people involved, do you tell the other person? If you’re outside the relationship, do you tell either person? What is the right thing to do today, while still protecting your own privacy? — RULES OF CHEATING
DEAR CHEATING: Yes, technology makes it easier to run around because itâs so easy to communicate on the sly. If you know for sure that a friend is being two timed, tell them. If you are one of the people involved (hmm, that can imply more than one thing), you should still tell them. In terms of protecting your own privacy, why would you need to? Anonymous letters and emails are always an option but those methods are 1) classless, and 2) to be used only if a situation could have dangerous consequences. Catâs Call: Who else thinks the writer of this letter is a cheater? Show of hands?
DEAR CAT: I have a good friend at work; she is sweet, smart, funny and I couldnât imagine not having her as a friend. However her husband is a jerk and I canât stand him. He is a rude, obnoxious know-it-all. None of our friends and colleagues like hanging out with her if he is around because he is so rude, even to people heâs never met before. I invited both of them to a holiday party last year and he managed to offend half of the guests, who later told me they would not come to another party if he was there. So this year I kept them off of the invite list and I told my colleagues to keep quiet about the party. I feel horrible for excluding my friend, but I didnât know what else to do. In general, can I invite her without him, even though the other guests come with spouses? Should I tell her how I feel about her husband? â GOOD FRIEND, BAD HUSBAND
DEAR G.F.B.H.: No, do not tell her how you feel about her husband because it could end the friendship. If he directly offends you, thatâs another story – then youâre welcome to say something, but say it to him. As for inviting her to parties sans husband, forget it. Thatâs very rude, unmannerly, and not the act of a good friend. Sure, you hate him, and itâs awful to be forced to socialize with loathsome people. But in life you donât always like everyone, and once loathies are married to your friends you have to suck it up and play nice or only spend âfriendâ time alone with her. It should be noted that despite his jerkiness, if youâre the type of person who excludes a friend from your parties and even forces others to lie about the occasionâ¦Catâs Call: Perhaps she should distance herself from you.
Bad call Cat. When an guest that you invited to a party at your home manages to offend half of the other guests that is when you step up and say something. You create an opportunity to meet with the friend and her husband alone and tell them how you feel. You don’t “suck it up and play nice” because you think about your other friends as well as the friend with the rude husband. Support people to use their backbone and do the right thing (unless it creates a “dangerous situation”).
— CLH, Pittsburgh 01/27/2009 Reply
Hi Cat, I like your column in the Post Gazette and love how you get right to the point with your advice. In the letter that appeared today (1-27-09), someone wrote in about her coworker’s rude husband. I liked your advice but I wanted to offer another scenario. While sometimes a jerk is just a jerk, there are adults out there, especially those on the autism spectrum (Aspergers in particular) who may act exactly like this woman’s husband does, appearing to the average person to be a rude jerk. Trust me, I have someone like this in my family, and while he comes off sounding like an argumentative ass, he really is a great person. He just is incapable of reacting as you or I would in a social situation, often coming off sounding insensitive or rude. This is something people on the spectrum have a hard time controlling because it is hardwired into their brains. So there may be something else at work here and it’s a good idea to keep it in mind that maybe this woman’s husband can’t help himself. Thanks!
— J.C., Pittsburgh PA 01/27/2009 Reply
Cat, I also like how you go right to the point of matters and I want to jump to your aid in anticipation of people disagreeing with your call today about the rude husband. It is not wise to tell someone that you hate their spouse because there is little they can do about it. A husband is not a boyfriend, which can be temporary. A spouse is (or supposed to be) “forever” and you have to accept whomever someone chooses. No you may not like him or her but that is the spouse and there’s nothing more to it. It’s a very simple matter in that respect. You clearly understand that. As for the cheating call, I agree with you too.
— Thomas in Pittsburgh 01/27/2009 Reply
First if someone’s husband or wife is an @$%*&! you don’t have to do a damn thing to appease them. However It is one spouse’s responsibility to say, “Honey you act like a @$%*&! and everyone hates you.” That oughta do the trick. Second if you are “one of the people involved” in cheating, take a walk into traffic. If you’re not “involved” but you know someone is cheating, air it like the dirtiest laundry and know you did a good deed for the day.
— anonymous (pittsburgh) 01/27/2009 Reply
Hey Cat: In the future please make an effort to select questions that present a real dilemma. Your column presently writes of problems where their very clear and singular answers are already biting the respective writers in the ass before they set the pen to paper. You may indeed be a bright person that has worthy advice to offer your readers. If you keep selecting these types of questions the world will never know. You owe that much to the thousands of bored cubicle superstars who could cherish the moments of reading the PG online instead of it being the dull task it currently is. Thanks!
— Tom in Pittsburgh 01/27/2009 Reply
By all means tell the friend about her husband’s rudeness to others. I’m sure that it is not a new subject for her. It is not pleasant to be socially ostracized by others. It means more if one has children. If the husband is considered a jerk by others, he has two choices: to improve his behaviour (yes, a LOT of work), or subject his wife and family to the fallout of his very selfish attitudes. Take a quiet time to be with your friend, without the man, because you like her. He’ll not be stupid, realize what’s going on, but then the outcome will be between them. If you are a good friend, she will need support in the future. Be prepared. I’ve always told my children that a sign of a good friend is someone who sticks with you through thick & thin – sometimes letting go for a few months, but being there when you are needed. And vice versa.
—Been There, Unfortunately
— anonymous 01/27/2009 Reply
Cat,
If he is treating everyone else like that, then he is treating her like that, if not worse, behind closed doors at home. The friend most certainly should reflect back to the wife how she and others feel about his behavior. The wife obviously lacks the self-esteem and this woman has a responsibility to tell her friend that her husband’s behavior is not acceptable. Him treating other party guests badly is an annoyance, at best. The result of his actions is cutting the wife off from her friends, probably exactly what he wants. Hopefully, receiving honest and straightforward opinions from enough friends will give her the courage and confidence to address her husband’s behavior. This friend has a golden opportunity to help the wife begin to make better choices in life.
— Concerned in CA 01/27/2009 Reply
Are you crazy? She should distance herself from her? An ass is an ass and people don’t have to put up with it. Avoid a loser like that at all cost. And for that matter she must be a loser herself for marrying the idiot.
— Lou 01/27/2009 Reply
What is most interesting is that nobody is questioning the integrity of a whole GROUP of people who would engage in the same lie just to keep one friend’s husband out of one party of the entire year?? After thinking about it (I first read it this morning) I totally agree with you. ps: that doesn’t mean he’s not a jerk.
— T. cleveland, ohio 01/27/2009 Reply
Rules of cheating is an oxymoron.
— Marc, Squirrel Hill 01/27/2009 Reply
RE: RULES OF CHEATING ...To expose a cheater shows animosity, or vengeance or an act of retribution. I think sending emails, and letters to expose the cheater is immature, and unprofessional unless dangerous circumstances arise or can arise from the person cheating. I think that if you know you are getting cheated on, you should just drop the other person without a care, and let him or her face the consequences of their actions. What goes around comes around. Sooner or later they will get theirs. I was cheated on by a woman once. She left me to start a relationship with another guy who she felt was better than me. Six months later she got pregnant, lost her job, and her new beau left her for somebody else. In my opinion cheating is a common attribute of relationships. People cheat because they are not happy, their needs are not being met, loneliness, they happen to come across somebody else to spark their little engine, anger or resentment towards their significant other, they think somebody is cheating on them, pure selfishness, inability to control themselves, etc. However, that does not mean cheating is the right thing to do, or the best course of action to take regardless of the circumstances. Cheating on somebody and lying about it or denying it is making a fool out of the other person getting cheated on.
— Mike, Pittsburgh 01/28/2009 Reply