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He's An Optimist Except When It Comes To Love & Mom Says Her Wedding Gift Is Tacky
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
DEAR CAT: I started dating a girl who I was really starting to click with. We had only a few dates but we talked on the phone frequently, sometimes for hours, and everything seemed to be going great. Then she stopped returning my calls. No texts, no nothing. I can take rejection but the fact that it just came out of nowhere leaves me with such a feeling of emptiness. The funny thing is that this exact scenario has happened with other women. Is this normal? Does every girl just happen to find Mr. Wonderful at the exact same time I start having feelings? Is it possible I’m doing something on dates that makes women suddenly have a change of heart? I’m an optimist in just about all aspects of my life except for relationships. Is my story unique or does this just go with the territory? — AT A LOSS
DEAR A.A.L.: Unfortunately your story isnât unique. After years of dating, writing about dating and offering advice about dating, there is one conclusion that is 100% undeniable: some people are simply rude (also immature, cowardly and lazy). Iâm a big fan of courtesy, which means if someone has been nice to you, you should be nice to them even if you donât like them anymore. Return phone calls, show up on time and most of all, tell someone when itâs over. Who knows if you did anything wrong but obviously you felt more of a connection to these women than they felt for you – sometimes thatâs just the way it goes. Either way, abruptly and inexplicably ceasing communication after countless hours talking or dating is a reflection on them, not you. Try putting some of that optimism into your romantic life. Catâs Call: Youâll be surprised at the difference it makes.
DEAR CAT: My fiancé and I are getting married in August 2010. In our families it is customary to give a gift from the registry for the bridal shower, then money at the wedding. I lived on my own for nine years and my fiancé and I have lived together for the past 2 years so we don’t need anything that typically goes on a registry. One bridal magazine mentioned a âhoneymoon registryâ and I think thatâs great because we want to go on a cruise in Europe and it will cost $7500. My mom and grandmother said thatâs a tacky way of asking for money. Your call? — DONâT WANT TO BE TACKY
DEAR DONâT: Iâm with you, a honeymoon registry is a wonderful idea. Why force people to buy candlesticks, blenders and serving sets that you donât need. Registering for a honeymoon is no different than picking out China patterns, crystal bowls and linens for people to buy. As a guest, gifting an incredible honeymoon says, âwe wish you all the best in your new life together, start it off with the trip of a lifetime!â I understand your mother and grandmotherâs position but many traditions change over time. For a mature, well-supplied couple like youâ¦Catâs Call: This is a wonderful change for a wonderful occasion.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
My call to “AT A LOSS”: The women probably don’t find Mr. Right when you start liking them. If they stop talking to you altogether and returning your calls you probably did do something to turn them off. Maybe you start smothering them after a few dates. If it was just one woman that’s not reason enough to assume you did something but a few women…the common denominator there is you. Sorry.
— Josh, New York 02/16/2010 Reply
I am going to mix it up a bit Cat. Your answer to Tacky was right on point, so there is really nothing to add; i.e., the Honeymoon Registry is a great idea. As for At a Loss, I hate to say it, but on top of what you advise, he has to realize that young women are really, really notorious for making absolutely horrible decisions about their love lives; that’s just the way it is. If/when he finds someone who makes the right decision, it will be that much better for him. So, your right about that fact that he does need to adopt a more positive attitude and keep pluggin away.
— Carm in Pittsburgh 02/16/2010 Reply
I sort of agree with both Carm and Josh on “At a Loss” – some people are just rude, but a pattern suggests, well, a pattern! It could be anything – perhaps he keeps finding himself attracted to the same type of woman, and that type happens to include the rudeness (or inability to confront) that leads to the way his relationships end. Or, yes, it could be that he is coming off as too eager – many women, especially younger women, have the same kind of commitment-shyness typically associated with men. Whatever the cause, AAL should examine the conversations/dates he’s had with each woman who abruptly “quit” him and see if he can find a common thread.
As for “Tacky,” right on Cat! My family is of the mind that getting out and living life is a better way of spending money than simply collecting things, and why not apply that to weddings too? When a cousin who recently married used a honeymoon registry, we had a lot of fun with it. The site they used actually let you purchase some or all of the cost of specific activities the couple planned to do, such as taking a tour of X or going to dinner at Y. We thought that was very cool, and we liked the idea of contributing directly to the couple’s lasting memories rather than just giving them something boring that they would potentially never use.
— LV 02/16/2010 Reply
I’m sorry Cat, but I have to disagree with you on the Honeymoon Registry. Many of the companies that run them are a little shady and they keep a portion of the money your guests put towards buying you something. If you don’t want to receive material gifts the best thing you can do is not register (or make a very small registry, since the fact of the matter is you will get material gifts from some people), and let your immediate family and WP know that if they are asked where you are registered by a guest they can tell them know that you prefer cash gifts to go towards the honeymoon.
To me, wedding gifts should be something to help the couple build their life together – either something for their home, or money for them to put towards their home or future. A HM registry is money for a vacation/sexfest. I don’t believe that this guy and his fiancee don’t need anything! Everyone can always use nicer cookware, really expensive sheets or towels, etc.! Who wouldn’t want the chance to upgrade?! You get the picture.
I have no problem buying some one a nice set of sheets to have sex on, I draw the line at paying for them to have sex in a nicer location than I get to. If i dont get to have sex in hawaii, im not paying for you to have sex there!
— Kel, Pittsburgh 02/16/2010 Reply
While youâre generally on target with your advice, you missed the mark in your answer to âDonât Want To Be Tacky,â the bride-to-be who needs nothing in the way of âbridal showerâ items and instead wants to have a âHoneymoon Cruise Shower.â The idea behind a bridal shower is to âshowerâ the bride-to-be with household or personal items are needed. If the bride-to-be needs nothing, then no âshowerâ is necessary.
Iâd like to know who is going to host the âHoneymoon Shower.â For a bride-to-be to express the type of shower she wants, the gifts given, or where the event should take place is tacky, tacky, tacky. The bridal shower is a gift from the family or friend hosting it; itâs not a platform to dictate what, if any, gifts should be given. Even a gift registry is a guide, not a command, for what the guests may purchase.
In this instance, if the bride- and groom-to-be are that well off, maybe a shower asking for contributions to a favorite charity is more in keeping with the âchanging times;â or, household items purchased and donated to a womenâs shelter; or, baby items donated to unwed or indigent mothers. In these economic times there are many people hurting economically and who would appreciate a kind gesture. While times do change, they donât change that much.
— Maggie in Pgh 02/16/2010 Reply
Cat….AT A LOSS’s problem is common, as I’m sure you know. Men aren’t the only ones to blow off people. Dude, Cat’s right, people are rude, and she’s right about you liking them more than they like you. No big thing, it hurts a little, move on. The right girl won’t blow you off. As for TACKY….yes I’m commenting about wedding showers so I should go find my balls but anyway….honeymoons cost a fortune, if guests can contribute to something you actually want (unlike picture frames and bs like that), all the better. The etiquette police who commented here should take the Waterford crystal stick out of their collective asses.
— Cal in Pgh 02/16/2010 Reply
The purpose of a bridal shower is to “shower” the bride and groom with gifts. If you don’t want to receive gifts, you should decline a shower. After all, a bridal shower isn’t something that you must have in order to get married. So if your against getting physical gifts, then decline the invitation for a shower.
— Kim, Pittsburgh 02/16/2010 Reply
I think it’s very rude to ask for money. Having manners isn’t a ‘tradition’ that changes over time. The “honeymoon registry” is a creative way of going about it, but it’s still just asking for money. It’s sad that this couple is focusing on how much they can get from their friends and family.
— Val, Pittsburgh 02/16/2010 Reply
First things first, VAL . . . I don’t really read anywhere in this girl’s letter that she is out just to get as much as she can from family and friends. She’s asking for advice . . . I’m with Cal on this one. Yes, the shower is supposed to be given by the friends/family of the bride. So, I would have to assume that they would WANT to give her the kind of shower she wants, not what THEY want.
If it were me, I would make the whole thing a travel theme. That way, guests can select different things (i.e. restaurants, excusions, etc.) to donate to, OR, for those guests that will get their panties in a twist because they can’t buy something at a store, give them the option to buy travel items (i.e. a nice carry-on, new sleepwear, travel clothes, etc.)
Whatever you decide, make it YOUR decision. If you’ve been on your own for nine years, you are not some teenager who needs your mother’s approval to do anything.
— Mary, Pittsburgh 02/16/2010 Reply
My call for At A Loss – Yes it’s par for the course, you’re not unique. If a woman doesn’t return your call/text/email within a day, don’t contact her again. Cat is obviously right that the women don’t share your same level of interest and it’s plain rudeness. Don’t give them another thought.
— John.D 02/17/2010 Reply
If you already have a home set up together before getting married, a wedding shower is tacky anyways, but to ask for money so you can go on a extravagant honeymoon is tacky to the nth degree.
In this day and age when, in most instances, brides and grooms are already established – home wise and financially wise – a shower, and for that matter even a wedding, just appear to be a way in which the bride and groom can get money or gifts nowadays. Isn’t a wedding suppose to be a celebration of a couple’s “new” life together?
— Mary (#2), Pittsburgh 02/17/2010 Reply
Mary #2, I think your message is a little extreme and over the top. My husband and I were already established when we were married and we had a HUGE BLOW OUT RECEPTION! It was the night of our lives! I can tell you that in no way did we even come close to making money off of our wedding. To think that is just rude. We spent a lot of money on our wedding celebration because we were able to and could afford it and we made sure our guests were treated very well and had an enjoyable time. It had absolutely nothing to do with the gifts.
And we absolutely accepted whatever people chose to give us very graciously!
— Kim #2, Pittsburgh 02/17/2010 Reply
Cat,
The gentleman that ends up getting dumped without having a girl tell him what is going on should not be surprised about this at all. I have found that all-too-often girls are just not returning calls or e-mails whenever they decide that they are through with dating or getting to know you. In my opinion, you could have leveled with the guy a little more. You know, one of those, “well, I know that no one is really telling guys about this girl tactic but, in the dating scene, sometimes when a girl just stops talking to you it basically means that they are breaking up with you but they want to avoid any awkward conversations so they just stop talking to you and hope that you’ll get the hint.” (pardon my huge runon sentance but you get the idea). Of the last four girls that I have dated, two gave me an e mail breakup and two just didn’t return calls. I was thrilled by the e-mail breakup, even though it is normally considered too informal since it was at least something that let me know how they felt. However, I do agree that he needs to be more positive about relationships since it will never be the next girl’s fault for all of the things that happened with the last one.
— D.W. 02/19/2010 Reply
Just an old-fashioned thought about Don’t Want To Be Tacky. First: Giving someone a “list” of what they want is tacky. Second: If they have been together for two years, I imagine they already have had a “honeymoon,” so the money given would be for a VACATION CRUISE. Let people give what they want to give. Don’t give them a “list.”
— Still Old Fashioned 03/25/2010 Reply