Columns
Should Wife Be Told Of Husband's Affair? And Mom Worries About Teen's Romance
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
DEAR CAT: My wife of thirty years admitted to me that she had a brief affair with a married man. It happened when she was questioning whether to remain in our relationship. She says that she loves me, that the affair was a big mistake, that itâs over and Iâve always been wonderful. I do love her and weâre both willing to work on reestablishing our relationship, but I am deeply hurt. I know her lover and weâve both met his wife. I want to write a letter to the wife telling of her husbandâs infidelity. My wife thinks I should not send the letter, or at least wait a couple of weeks to we see if we can work things out. I canât imagine learning anything in several weeks that would affect my decision to mail the letter. I also think it is going to take more than a couple of weeks to work things out. Should I send the letter? â MAYBE ON THE MEND
DEAR MAYBE: This isnât the first time a spouse has asked this question â to tell or not to tell? Last time I cautioned against it and many readers disagreed with me. This time my call is different because 1) the affair is over and your wife fully admits to it, 2) you know the other couple, and 3) Iâm suspicious of your wifeâs reasoning. The fate of your own marriage shouldnât determine whether the other wife learns of her husbandâs infidelity. It makes me wonder if your wife is trying to protect her former lover. Please be aware it could be dangerous to tell the woman about her husband. She might try to hurt your wife, or herself, or the husband might come after you. As long as you appreciate the potential pitfalls, in this case I agreeâ¦Catâs Call: People deserve to know when theyâre living a lie.
DEAR CAT: I just found out my 16 year old son is dating a 20 year old girl. Iâm not sure how to handle this. Also, how much of an age difference is to much? â AGE GAP
DEAR AGE: It doesnât take a ton of imagination or a trip down memory lane to know what âdatingâ means to a 16 year old boy. I hope youâre open with your son about sex because theyâre probably having it. Talk to him bluntly about safe sex. If he squirms, too bad. If youâre squeamish, tough. Heâs at a formative age where subjects like pregnancy and STDs will be laughed off unless he understands that theyâre real possibilities. It’s best to wait this out instead of freaking out because this relationship will probably be short-lived. How much of an age difference is too much? If a teenager is involved and you cringe when you hear about itâ¦.Catâs Call: Itâs probably too much.
Whatâs YOUR call? Share it below! Submit questions here!
Of course you should tell someone if they’re being cheated on. It’s not a “crime” but knowing about cheating and saying nothing is like watching a robber run away with loot and not calling the cops. Cat is right about you don’t know how the wife or husband will handle it once you air the dirty laundry but it’s worth it. It’s a good point too, the one about why your wife wants to wait. Why should she care? Does she mean yes tell her if we work things out, or no don’t tell her?
On the second question: 16 and 20 isn’t that big of a deal. If it was my son I wouldn’t be nuts about it but it’s not like 16 and 30.
— Sammy, PGH 05/17/2011 Reply
@Maybe on the Mend,
I think Cat should have stuck to her previous answer – do not tell the wife. Why? What good will it do and for what purpose? Also, the wife may already know. I just don’t see any good coming out of it.
@Age Gap,
A 16-year old young man should not be “dating” a 20-year old woman, period. Think of it reversed… that 20-year old man would end up in jail.
And no, I don’t see any cuckholding going on in either letter for a change… lol
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 05/17/2011 Reply
No cuckholds????????????? LOL There’s got to be one in there somehwere.
My call #1: Tell the wife. Tell the wife. Tell the wife. It will weigh on you forever and she DESERVES TO KNOW. I am a bit confused why Cat didn’t hold this position the last time. I sort of understand from her points but not completely.
My call #2: The illegality of their relationship is a dramatic view. A 20 year old guy wouldn’t end up in jail unless something bad went down. In that frame of mind an 18 year old guy would go to jail for dating a 17 year old girl. I agree the relationship won’t last long.
— Jane Err 05/17/2011 Reply
lol
Sorry, Jane, I don’t see a cuckhold in today’s letters.
:)
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 05/17/2011 Reply
I disagree with your legal view – if you are under age 18, you are a minor. No discussion, no equivocation. This isn’t a fuzzy line – it’s a pretty clear distinction.
— Ben VA 05/17/2011 Reply
Actually, the legal age of consent in PA is 16, so no one would end up in jail.
— Gwen, Pittsburgh 05/17/2011 Reply
Good point Gwen. Jail would be overboard for this situation anyway.
@Cat, you’re right the relationship between them won’t last long.
@Daniel, agreed the 20 year old girl is the one with any issues, not the boy.
@beth I know the post gazette without Cat is like “huh? something’s seriously missing here!” Guess I have to get on twitter!
— Katie in Pgh 05/17/2011 Reply
So a 32 year old man married to a 28 year old woman is a bad thing… Wow, people need to come back to earth.
— Patrick in Pittsburgh 06/08/2011 Reply
@ Robert.
It isn’t about a 32 year old and a 28 year old. It is obvious… logic isn’t in your “dictionary.”
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 06/08/2011 Reply
Maybe On The Mend should focus his attention on his own marriage. After all, his wife did come clean about her infidelity on her own, and that’s a healthy indication that she wants to mend that broken fence.
If the other couple lives the rest of their lives together and he never comes clean, would it impact Maybe’s marriage? And if one day she did find out about the affair, could any of her pain be laid at Maybe’s feet?
MYOB. (and definitely TCB.)
— Michelle, Verona 05/17/2011 Reply
Why would you think the wife coming clean means she wants to ‘mend the broken fence’? We don’t know what it means. I think the man ended the affair and she went back to her husband. I think we owe it to each other in this world to speak up and say “this happened, according to my wife, and I thought you should know, do with the info as you see fit.” MAYBE is choosing to work it out with his wife and the other wife might choose the same thing. He’d give her the option of choosing with the right information. If I was in this situation, I’d want to know.
— Sammy, Pgh 05/17/2011 Reply
Tell. It will hurt the wife and maybe cause her to lash out, but wouldn’t you want to if you got that letter in the mail? If I was the wife i’d want to know. I’ve been the girlfriend who’s been cheated on and i’ve been the friend to tell a friend that they’re being cheated on. Neither is fun, but in both cases you feel better afterward.
— Jamie, Pgh 05/17/2011 Reply
It’s none of yours or anyone elses business to tell the wife.
Think about it.
Go and tell her and then…
she commits suicide
she kills her husband in a fit of rage
etc, etc.
Leave them to their own destiny.
I am surprised that so many replying here think the wife should be told.
Get a life and if you have one, leave their life alone.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 05/17/2011 Reply
Letter #1 – The cheating husband should be told that his former lover confessed to her husband and given the chance to tell his wife himself. That would be best for all concerned. The husbands strong desire to tell the poor wife about her husbands in-the-past infidelity smacks solidly of revenge. This man should be focused on re-establishing his own relationship, and attacking the man who had an affair with his wife should not be a part of that process. He needs to think about his motive and his priorities. If the affair was still going on, cluing the wife in would be more urgent. I suspect his desire to tell the wife has more to do with his own ego than concern for the wife. I recommend couples counseling.
Letter #2 – Completely agree with Cat’s advice here, and it’s very important to educate this young man asap. I must admit that I would be tempted to invite the young lady over and give her a good perusing, perhaps even ask some questions that might cause her to think twice. Then you would know what kind of person you are dealing with – an immature girl, a shark, or something in between. Include her in a family dinner or activity and investigate, Mom! It might even make her uncomfortable or scare her off. But give junior the education first.
— Nancy in Pittsburgh 05/17/2011 Reply
RE: MAYBE ON THE MEND
Both couples should meet together for dinner and talk.
— Marc, Squirrel Hill 05/17/2011 Reply
No way the couples should meet for dinner. You expect this guy to meet with his wife’s lover? That guy should be hiding from MAYBE for the rest of his life. Go tell his wife and do it in person. Get some face time with his wife just like he got with yours. Be nice about it because the news may or may not come as a shock.
On the 2nd question, there’s a double standard but that’s life. I’m not worried about a 16yrold hooking up with a 20yr old. She’s the one with the issues, not him. It’s not more illegal than an 18yr old and a 17yr old but nobody would say anything about that.
Cat, what up with the PG? ‘Contract issue’ tells me you were getting a raw deal and pulled out. What’s the difference anyway because you’re here. Keep on telling it like it is or aint!
— Daniel (Colorado) 05/17/2011 Reply
Letter #1- I don’t think that the husband should send a letter to the wife. It may be therapeutic for him to write it out, but I think it should remain at that and not be sent. For all we know, the other man may have told his wife about the affair previously and this would only serve to reopen old wounds. Maybe she’s been as oblivious the entire time. At any rate, it is not the husband’s business to tell the wife about her husband’s infidelity. It is the responsibility of her husband (unless the letter-writer would have been the one to tell) to say or not say anything. I agree that they should attend couple’s counseling as well.
Letter #2- If the mother hasn’t already had the talk with her son about safe sex, STD’s, etc then that needs to be done. Also I agree that she should meet the girlfriend and see what kind of a girl she is- maybe she is immature for her age, likes younger guys, or whatever else. There’s no way to tell unless she meets her and then decides what is worth worrying about (or not).
— D, Pittsburgh 05/17/2011 Reply
I don’t care if the lady is a princess, a 16-year old teen should not be “dating” a 20-year old woman.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 05/17/2011 Reply
Miss you in the gazette, but at least can follow you on Twitter and read the column here. #1 — I say he should contact the husband — his wife’s lover — and tell him to come clean to his wife. And if he doesn’t, he would. That way, the guilt is off you and on him, where it should be. #2 — Anyone below 18 is not an adult, and anything that occurs to a 16-year-old happens also to the parents. If her 16-year-old son gets the 20-year-old pregnant, then what? Also, statutory rape laws, regardless of gender, forbid those under 18 from having sex with those over 18. Can’t the boy concentrate on school and girls his own age for a couple more years? Geez.
— Beth - Pittsburgh 05/17/2011 Reply
I agree the post-gazette without Cat is like “huh? something’s missing here!” What happened with that? I agree too about twitter, she’s hilarious there. Column is always smart and there’s usually something humorous but she’s super funny on twitter – you hear that Cat?! Keep it coming. Beth I also agree with you about what Maybe should do but if you read his latest posting(s) he’s staying with his wife and enjoying himself to the utmost. (enter LeBron’s signature cuckhold remarks here)
— Jane Err 05/19/2011 Reply
@ Jane,
Sorry to disappoint, but no cuckhold exists because Maybe on the Mend didn’t know about her affairs and therefore couldn’t “pleasure himself” regarding those affairs. :)
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 05/20/2011 Reply
On the Subject of the Age Gap:
She needs to take into consideration the feeling of the woman and her son. I know what her son is going through, or more truthfully what her son’s girlfriend is going through. My wife was sixteen when we started dating, I was 22 at the time (I didn’t plan it, back off =P ). We were close and we fell in love and started dating after she got out of a bad relationship with a guy her age that just wanted to get his willy wet. Her family came down on her pretty hard for dating me and it caused a lot of stress in the family, ultimately resulting in her moving out on bad terms with her parents. If you don’t want to chase him into the arms of this woman and lose him forever, I suggest being at least nominally supportive of his relationship.
As for the question of how big is too big for an age gap? If they’re having sex, then here in PA under the age of 16 is 4 years. If both parties are 16 or over, then there is no gap too big; legally speaking. And if you can’t trust the other person/people who said that 16 is PA’s age of consent, trust the guy who his future in-laws threaten him with charges a few times. I find out the truth behind the laws real quick-like.
As for morality. Age is such a stupid measure. I know 50 year olds are less mature than my now-eighteen year old wife. I know twenty-four year olds who shouldn’t be allowed to drink, thirty year olds who shouldn’t be allowed to vote, and a sixteen year old who would make a better senator than half the people in office today.
Age is a mindless descrimination and determining something based solely on a person’s age is as bad as determining the thing based entirely on race, religious affiliation, or shoe size!
— Rich, Glendale 05/17/2011 Reply
The age of consent in Pennsylvania being 16 notwithstanding, the boy is a minor, and four years makes a not-insignificant difference at that young age. The two people are at different stages of development – 16 is emotionally and maturely younger than 20, and the risk is high of the boy not being able to handle what an older person would introduce him to. The age-inappropriate influence a 20 year-old would have on a 16 year-old wades into morally murky waters. The boy should date girls near his own age, and his parents should not hesitate to put their foot down to their son on this and they should absolutely tell the girl to leave their son alone. Of course, this also applies if the genders are reversed: older man, young girl, which happened in my family, but the age difference was even more troublesome: the man was 25 and the girl was 16 at the onset of dating.
In addition, I agree with Beth who correctly pointed out that “Anyone below 18 is not an adult, and anything that occurs to a 16-year-old happens also to the parents.”
— Diane, Plum 05/18/2011 Reply
Yes. As the mother of boys, I would have been all over this if it had occurred with one of mine at age 16. The approach must be carefully concerned as opposed to authoritatively forbidding, so as not to “chase him into her arms,” as someone warned. This is possible if there is a good relationship foundation, a reasonable boy and excellent parenting skills. Not an easy task, but sooo important.
— Nancy in Pittsburgh 05/18/2011 Reply
@ Diane,
Right on, lady!
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 05/18/2011 Reply
First: I am sorry to see you are gone from the P-G, what a pity. Second: thanks very much Cat and everybody else for your comments and suggestions.
I have since learned that my wife has actually had three affairs, serially, over the last three or so years, not just the one I wrote about initially. The middle one was with a, now, former friend. We have had dinner with he and his wife a couple times and I even cooked dinner for him, my wife and two others during their affair, which was obviously unknown by me at the time. I know this couple significantly better than the one I mentioned in my first letter. I assume none of this changes anyone’s opinion as to whether the wives should be informed.
— Maybe on the Mend - Pittsburgh 05/18/2011 Reply
RE: Maybe on the Mend
Seek a wise marriage counselor.
— Marc, Squirrel Hill 05/18/2011 Reply
@ Marc,
His wife had 3 affairs. Marriage counselor? LOL
I suggest that he hires an attorney and divorces that biatch.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 05/19/2011 Reply
There are a lot of details that I have omitted that also would point to divorce being the logical outcome of this. Still I love my wife, I love being with her, laughing with her, holding her and bringing her to climax. Our sex life has been great since her revelations. I am not so naive to believe that this could be because of ulterior motives but I am still working to get through this because from my perspective life with her is so much better than life without her.
— Maybe on the Mend - Pittsburgh 05/19/2011 Reply
I meant to say that I realize that she may have ulterior motives for making our sex life great but I still enjoy the result, whatever her motivation.
— Maybe on the Mend - Pittsburgh 05/19/2011 Reply
@ Maybe on the Mend,
In this reply, you state…
“. . .holding her and bringing her to climax.”
Then you state in the next reply…
“. . .I realize that she may have ulterior motives for making our sex life great but I still enjoy the result, whatever her motivation.”
I’m not buying that. If you can make her climax and your sex life and everything else is GREAT, then there would be no need for her to have “ulterior motives.” There would be no need for her to seek affairs outside of your bedroom.
Unless
Unless
You too are a cuckhold (there Jane, you were waiting for that, weren’t you?). :)
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 05/20/2011 Reply
There were issues before that drove her outside of our bed. I have cleaned up my act now and there indeed may be no need for her to wander. We are working on this.
The original question still stands: Should the wives of my wife’s lovers be told.. The advice seems to be split and even Cat has changed her mind once.
— Maybe on the Mend - Pittsburgh 05/20/2011 Reply
@ Maybe on the Mend,
Why should they be told and for what purpose?
I say don’t tell. Let their husbands tell them if they ever will.
Who are you to break up another person’s marriage?
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 05/20/2011 Reply
Perhaps for retaliation for causing major problems in mine?
— Maybe on the Mend - Pittsburgh 05/21/2011 Reply
Mend,
You said it yourself a few comments back. Your marriage has improved, or at least the sex has, since your wife came clean.
I say you should tell them, or at least inform the wives that you know and then give them the chance to tell their husbands. If they don’t, then the husbands should be told and given the chance to dump the useless codswallops or work it out like you’re trying to do.
Your comments suggest you’re either hopeless or there’s a lot you’re not telling us. Either way, I suggest getting an actual marriage counselor, like several others have suggested. If she’s worth keeping around at all, she’s worth paying for an overpriced doctor to tell you you’re a cuckhold or genuinely in love.
— Rich, Glendale 05/22/2011 Reply
So, you believe that two wrongs make a right?
Retaliation should be the last reason why you should tell.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 05/23/2011 Reply
Are you looking to punish and retaliate against your wife as well? Because if the answer is no, then why would you seek out to punish the others who are just as guilty as she is? Ultimately the bottom line is that those other men did not cause the issues in your marriage. By being unfaithful it was your wife that that caused the issues and you need to resolve any issues of pain, anger, resentment, etc, most likely through marital counseling, especially if you do want to continue on in your marriage. What purpose is served by lashing out and telling the other wives? Making their marriages miserable or breaking them up if it is something that the couple cannot move past? I still say it’s not your place to tell them.
— D, Pittsburgh 05/25/2011 Reply
@ D, Pittsburgh.
Well stated. I concur.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 05/25/2011 Reply
I don’t care if she’s got a dozen married lovers. Don’t tell any of the spouses, especially because you are confused and don’t understand your own motives. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for all that Karma in terms of collateral damage to wives, children, households, and even family pets. I think you’ve got your hands full within the walls of your own home without reaching out to wreck other homes around you.
— Robert in Pittsburgh 06/01/2011 Reply
@ Robert,
Yet another sensible and logical answer, indeed.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 06/03/2011 Reply