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A Friend's Affair Caused The End Of A Friendship & No Excuse For Being Lazy In L.A.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
DEAR CAT: My best friend ended our friendship because of the sitter who provides occasional care for my children. See, my friend had an affair with a man whose family runs in the same circles as the sitter; a circle my friend was included in prior to the affair. After the affair, the sitter un-friended her. I did not hire the sitter until after all of this went down. My mother-in-law insisted I use her and I decided to hire her after talking to my friend about it. At first my friend was okay with it but later changed her mind and ended our friendship without even discussing it with me, she simply stopped communicating. The worst part is our children played together and now she wonât let her kids come over and it breaks my heart. She says I was disloyal to use the sitter. I say using the sitter is no different than sending the kids to daycare, minus the bus ride. Whatâs your call? — SIT ON THIS
DEAR SIT: People usually arenât shunned socially unless they really mess up. Sounds like your friend dallied with the wrong man, things went sour and she was cast out of his social orbit. Then you invited one of the casters into your life. Your friend should have spoken up before you hired the sitter (especially since her kids play at your house) but itâs understandable why she feels wronged. You certainly have the right to hire anyone you want but after everything that went down with your best friend, why would you want to hire that woman? You had to know it would create tension. Either she’s the greatest sitter in the world….Catâs Call: Or you were looking for a way to punish your friend.
DEAR CAT: I need a kick in the behind. I want to workout and get in shape. Iâm not heavy, just not in shape. And Iâm single! Every day I tell myself, âtomorrow,â then tomorrow comes and I donât do it. I used to workout all the time and I have a shelf full of exercise DVDs just sitting there. I have no excuse besides laziness and I just need someone to not pull any punches and say, âget off your duff and do it or quit complaining about your thighs.â I know this is probably the easiest question youâve ever received but I like your take on things and I hope this will be the light bulb going on for me. Okay, Iâm ready, let me have it. â LAZY IN L.A.
DEAR LAZY: Sorry, the easiest question I ever received was probably Mind Your Own Business from January 25, 2011. This is tougher because if I donât properly motivate you, youâll blame me for your saddle bags and cellulite and every time your pants make that swooshing sound while youâre strolling on a romantic date. I should have passed on this question, just like youâve passed on those exercise videos. Truth is, when you’re ready to get in shape, you’ll do it. It’ll likely happen when you get tired of the sound of your own complaints. Until then just know I’m sitting here, all by my lonesome, typing away, hoping this made a difference. Catâs Call: Sigh.
What’s YOUR call? Share it below! Submit questions to: questions@catscall.com or click here!.
Disagree on question 1. Friend said hire her, now she has to live with it. It does not appear she has the best judgement to begin with. I am surprised you took this position. Agree on question 2 although you also could have laid into her more.
— Rob, Oakland 05/31/2011 Reply
The friend had the affair, why does the LW have to live with the consequences of it? And I don’t let my “friends’ pick my “friends”.
— CarolO-Asheville, NC 05/31/2011 Reply
Disagree with Cat on question 1 – it’s none of the “friend’s” business who she hires to babysit her kids. She even had the courtesy to discuss the issue prior to hiring the sitter and the so-called “friend” has no problem with it, but then changes her mind?? How was she supposed to know this would create tension after getting the “friend’s” blessing ahead of time? Sit needs to ditch this drama queen and find some new playmates for her kids (and their moms for new friends).
— Matt, Pittsburgh 06/01/2011 Reply
I think this whole situation is weird. I don’t know if I disagree with Cat or not because she’s sort of on the fence on this friend question. On the one hand she says the friend should have spoken up. Agreed. On the other hand she says she understand why the friend felt betrayed. Agreed again. But she doesn’t say she should fire her to repair the friendship or anything. Not that that’s the answer, the sitter is there now and she’s not going to fire her, that’s pretty obvious. I guess there is nothing to do about it now. The friend sounds like a drama queen but SIT ON THIS doesn’t sound extremely nice either. I already read this three times. I’ll give it a fourth time and see if I change my mind.
On question 2, love the subtle guilt Cat! It’s true you won’t get off your duff until you’re ready.
— Carigirl in Pittsburgh 06/01/2011 Reply
Cat’s right, you’re wrong Rob, a friend should have your back. Was the friend married or single sleeping with a married man, we don’t know, guess it doesn’t matter. It’s easy to be friends when there are no problems but much harder when they get in trouble and need you behind them when the rest of the world is against them. Her hiring that babysitter was on purpose to punish her so called “best friend.” Very happy to see Cat get that point. Who gives a s*** what babysitter the mother in law says to use. I say the friend didn’t voice her opinion at first because she was hurt that her own friend would consider hiring someone who doesn’t speak to her.
— Shawn, Pittsburgh 05/31/2011 Reply
I agree with Question 2. No amount of motivation from other people can help you decide to get in shape and stick with it unless you are really ready to commit to stop being lazy.
Be honest with yourself about what you are really ready for and be reasonable with the demands on yourself. For me, the key has been not putting pressure on myself to do anything in particular except be healthier by working out more often and eating better. I am not focusing on losing a certain number of pounds or inches. I am simply proud of myself for doing something on a very regular basis to hopefully extend the number of healthy years in my life.
I think the bottom line is that no one can motivate you like you yourself can!
— Deanna, Johnstown 05/31/2011 Reply
Letter One – what drama some people, families & friends have and endure.
Letter Two – It’s called habit. Only you can break your habit. Cat certainly can’t break it for you.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 05/31/2011 Reply
Oh my — that first one is so confusing that I can’t even understand what happened. But I would say that if someone drops you as a friend over something that only has a vague tie (six degrees of separation), you shouldn’t care because that person wasn’t that much of a friend to start.
For that second one, I sometimes had a tough time to convince myself to go to the gym. Two thoughts:
1) Get a workout partner. You can motivate the other when one of you doesn’t want to work out.
2) Make it part of your daily routine. Leave work — work out. Get up in the morning — work out. That type of thing.
— Mike, Downtown 05/31/2011 Reply
@ Mike.
Yep. They call that developing a routine or habit, if you will.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 05/31/2011 Reply
I agree with Carigirl —I had to read this twice before understanding all the ins and outs. I have to side with Cat on this one…if my best friend engaged in some kind of affair and all the man’s friends cut her off socially after that I wouldn’t go and hire one of the man’s friends. Where does the mother in law fit into all this? They can be pushy and nosy but come on, her opinion shouldn’t really matter. The friend probably didn’t feel like she could say “no don’t hire than great childcare worker because of my situation” but she secretly felt upset that her BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD would even consider it. This whole thing is a mess! You don’t have an “occasional” sitter for very long but you’re supposed to have friends your whole life. My call: Sit On This needs some perspective. Good sitters might be hard to find but not as hard as best friends.
— Sarah in PGH 06/02/2011 Reply
Letter 1- I think the friend sounds like she is being dramatic. I have friends of mine that are not friends with one another- they just don’t get along or don’t like each other, whatever the reasoning- but that is not going to stop me from being friends with one or using the other’s services. Now if the friend’s children would have possibly been playing with “Sit on This’ “ children and being watched by the same sitter, I can see where she would have an issue. Otherwise, I just think it’s being a bit ridiculous.
Letter 2- No one else can make you want to go to the gym- you have to do it yourself. Maybe see if you have a friend who would go with you or schedule it at a time where it’s hard to avoid doing it (aka if you make it part of your morning routine or after work or whatever works for you) without feeling guilty. Maybe take a class or join and activity where your attendance is expected and people inquire after you if you arent there. Ultimately though you are accountable for your own actions. I have recently started going to the gym again and although I dont always find it fun, I feel better once I get there and start working out, and there’s no guilty feeling later for skipping out.
P.S. Although no one likes a straight up “gym bunny” you never know what you’ll find or who you’ll meet if you start working out again. Who knows, you might not be single for long (assuming that you’re open to dating).
— D, Pittsburgh 06/02/2011 Reply
“The friend had the affair, why does the LW have to live with the consequences of it?” said Carol from NC, and I absolutely agree. The friend who messed up gave her ok to hiring the sitter, then she backpedaled, so Sit On This has to be manipulated in the cause of friendship? And after she gave her friend the courtesy of asking? But I do agree that the mother-in-law’s opinion on which sitter to use is unimportant, generally, unless one seeks her advice on it. But – it is not all that easy to find, and keep a good sitter who works well with you, your children and your situation. Cat, I disagree with your assessment that Sit On This was possibly trying to punish her friend. That is not a logical conclusion to come to based on what “Sit” wrote. There is no feasible reason that she would want to punish her friend for an action (the affair) that did not harm her or have any effect on her and their friendship, which in the ending of it caused heartache. The woman who really messed up, messed up her best friendship because she is the center of her universe and it appears she believes that what she chooses to do should be the center of “Sit’s” life and choices, as well.
— Diane, Plum 06/05/2011 Reply