Columns
Cheating after itâs ended & Getting 'friendedâ
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
DEAR CAT: I’m confused about feelings that I have for my ex-fiancee. We have been apart for a year now, but we have tried to make it work a couple of times after we broke up, and I still love her. It gets complicated because she cheated on her present boyfriend with me a couple of times. Plus, I was also dating someone when we had our little affair. She says she loves her off-and-on-again boyfriend, but she has feelings for me and maybe wants to try again to make us work. The problem is that she said we could “possibly” make it work again. Should I just move on with my life for good? — CONFUSED AND TATTERED
DEAR C & T: Funny how you omitted any indication of why the engagement ended. Sounds as if both of you view the relationship like a hobby project you have no intention of completing. Perhaps it’s just a matter of maturity and readiness, but if the relationship has any chance of surviving in the real world (as opposed to the secret, sex-with-your-ex world), quit sneaking around and cheating on everybody. OK, you love her, but she loves her boyfriend and merely “has feelings” for you. Yes, you should move on with your life. Not because there’s no hope but because you both need real space before trying again. Regardless of your almost-marital history, at this point neither one of you seems ready for marriage. Cat’s Call: At least not a marriage with each other.
DEAR CAT: I am a gay female and I was in a four-year relationship. For three years my lover and I enjoyed a physical relationship until she cheated on me with another woman. When her affair failed four months later, I took her back and everything was OK. For the past six months, all physical affection stopped, and her “other woman” popped back into our lives. This time she said they’re only friends. But they spend weekends together without me! I’m not blind to this, so I broke it off. Now she just wants to be friends with me, and I don’t even trust that either. Should I stay friends or tell her to hit the road? — NOT THAT DESPERATE
DEAR N.T.D.: 1) Bravo for ending it. 2) You can’t truly be friends with someone you don’t trust. 3) Why would you want to anyway? 4) Once your partner cheats, things are rarely OK again. 5) If you do survive cheating and “the other” re-enters the scene for any reason, dump your partner immediately. 6) She’s got some nerve suggesting friendship with such a recent ex whose trust she violated repeatedly. I call that ploy “getting friended,” and it’s an utter insult. Not only has she not earned your friendship, but also real friendship is about two people and she only cares about herself. 7) So, should you stay friends with her? Cat’s Call: Not even if she begs and pays you.
Is it just me or have we entered an era where cheating is acceptable? I read questions like these and people are so casual about it. I have three letters for that: WTF. That woman has no right to ask for friendship. And the other question about the exes cheating with each other, yeah no wonder they broke up. Cheating is a horrible thing to do that can change someone’s whole outlook on life. Yes we’re all human and make mistakes but I can say as a man who’s cheated in the past that it is a choice, one you shouldn’t make even if you don’t love the person you’re with.
— D.S. Philly 12/07/2008 Reply
I was cheated on by pretty much every guy I ever dated, so when I finally had a good serious relationship (I let him move in!), I told him..“break up with me if you must but DO NOT CHEAT ON ME” So naturally he cheated on me, I found out once in our own house! And now I am wrecked. There is not a day that goes by when I do not wish him ill. I live in fear of running into either of them around town because I still want to punch them in the faces til they spit their teeth out. Healthy, huh? Then again, neither is sticking your member in someone else and then sticking it back in me. Hell hath no fury boys..don’t do it.
— Medea, NYC 12/08/2008 Reply
About the two previous comments on cheating: first of all if you’ve been cheated on by every guy you’ve dated, you’re going with the wrong guys. Not saying it’s your fault but the one thing all those guys have in common is YOU. Re the other one, we’re not in an era of cheating, infidelity has always been there. The era we ARE in is the web, it makes it much easier to find people and hide them from your GF or BF or spouse.
— anonymous USA 12/09/2008 Reply