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"House Husband" & Best Friends With Your Ex
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
DEAR CAT: What is your call on a man being a âhouse husbandâ? I donât see a problem if the man stays home, keeps the house, and raises children while the woman earns the actual income. I get grief about this all the time. I am a 38 year old man, Iâve worked hard for twenty years, and Iâm in a serious relationship with a very career driven woman. See, I never wanted to be out in the 9-5 workforce but I Iâm not lazy at all! I just always wanted to be a father and keep a home. My girlfriendâs parents tell her not to marry me because they say once weâre married Iâll stop working and sponge off her. But I would never do that. I would only stop working if we had children to raise and she wanted to work. What is so wrong with this idea, and why canât people accept it? My girlfriend is fine with the idea but I think people are starting to change her mind. —IâM NO SPONGE!
DEAR NO SPONGE: Nothing is wrong with the idea of a stay-at-home dad and many people can accept it. But itâs no surprise her parents arenât thrilled at the prospect of an unemployed son in law. Chances are, nothing will change their minds besides seeing their daughter hit professional success while you manage the home, 24/7, with babies, mops and laundry. In the end, though, a mature, adult couple should live, raise their family, and run their home however they see fit. As long as both partners consent to the arrangement, her parentsâ opinions are irrelevant. But think on thisâ¦Catâs Call: If people are changing her mind or scaring her, sheâs not as âfineâ as you think.
DEAR CAT: I am a 21 year old junior in college. My girlfriend (sheâs 19) and I broke up in August after 3 years. She is now in a new relationship with an 18yr old kid who goes to community college. But she âdoesn’t want to âxâ me out of her life,â so she insists on being best friends. Her new guy doesn’t like how much we talk, especially after she lied and said we talk much less than we do. She said he wants to meet me to size me up for a fight. What is your advice on dealing with this? I assume cutting her out of my life would make this less âhigh school.â —DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL
DEAR D.W.H.S.: You assume right. But donât stop there – cutting her out of your life is just a smart start. The next step is understanding you canât be best friends with your recent ex who needs so much attention that she purposefully incites jealousy, and strings along both of you in the hopes youâll duke it out to win her hand. Thatâs not just high school, thatâs manipulative and mean. Sheâs currently lying to her boyfriend and fake-friending you, all while setting you up for a potential brawl. Lovely girl, I canât imagine why you ever broke up. Some might say sheâs still young and immature. Catâs Call: Nineteen is old enough to know you shouldnât hurt the ones you love.
Hey Cat,
No way, no how, no chance will Mr. House Husband ever convince her parents that he’s a stand-up guy. Frankly I don’t think he could convince me and I’m with you that it’s an acceptable thing. I think the fact that he’s making such a big deal about the subject makes me wonder if he’s attracted to his girlfriend BECAUSE she’s career-oriented. That way he can be taken care of once they’re married. You can be a man who loves marriage and family and still be a man who provides financially for that family.
— Jan (San Francisco, CA) 12/09/2008 Reply
About both of today’s questions: House Husband guy sounds sincere but I can’t help questioning any man who admits, “I’ve never wanted to have a job.” And the BFF exes is such a joke; couples try this and it’s never real like with your regular friends. Even if the guy didn’t include their ages it’s obvious they’re pretty young.
— Carrie, USA 12/09/2008 Reply
Hey, Mr. Househusband doesnât have to prove a darn thing to his spouseâs parents. The man already said heâs been employed and worked hard for 20 years. Now, his career-driven spouse wants to do her thing. Heck, yeah! And all the power to her, as long as HEâs taking care of the home and children. I am retired from the military for 20 years and have 15 years of outside employment since. If my spouse wanted to work and I could afford to stay homeâ¦..you bet your bubble, I would. I donât see any problem here and as far as it goes, Mr Househusband has NOTHING to prove to anyone and should dis all of those idiots who have a negative outlook on HIS lifestyle. Theyâre just jealous. I remember my mom spelling this word out to me. Mr. Househusband, keep up the good work and make sure those kids are properly raised. THATâs what we need more of.
— Eddie, Pittsburgh, PA 12/09/2008 Reply
Okay that situation is a little stupid and high school with the new boyfriend wanting to punch out the old boyfriend but sometimes your ex IS your best friend. There’s a woman I dated a while ago who I honestly feel closer to than anyone else. We don’t even talk anymore and we’ve both moved on and been in other relationships but when there are things I really want to share with someone she’s the only one I think about. If I could have her as my best friend I would. But we all know our new significant others wouldn’t go for that (I don’t blame them)
— John Q. (Long Island) 12/09/2008 Reply
I feel pretty qualified to comment on the house husband situation because I was (yep: WAS) married to one. He is never going to convince most people that he’s not a sponge, our society is just not there yet. People will question his “masculinity”, old ladies (strangers) in shopping malls will try to take his babies into ladies rooms to change them when he finds the men’s room has no facilities. Even his children will suffer, as many moms are loathe to schedule play dates with stay-at-home dads as it feels awkward. If he and his fiancee agree they want to do the SAHD thing, they have to make serious ground rules and stick to them. These rules include an equitable division of home responsibilities, how financial issues are handled, and a reasonable time frame for Dad to return to work after the children are in school. My ex wanted to do the SAHD part of the job, but not the make dinner, clean the house, do the laundry part of homemaking, and if I were a SAHM I would have been expected to keep the house tidy and have a meal prepared at least a few nights a week. My ex also insisted on handling the money, even though I earned it, and that caused great tension. I finally split with my ex when it was clear that he really just didn’t like to work—it wasn’t that he wanted to be a SAHD, he just wanted to stay at home…our daughter was in school full-time and he would not return to work—and his excuse was that he had no job skills left because he had not worked in so long. There’s a lot to consider here that people just can’t dream of unless they’ve experienced it.
— Marcy, Pittsburgh 12/09/2008 Reply
I want to comment on John Q’s point about exes being best friends. He says he still thinks of one ex in particular when he really wants to share something personal but that’s the serious problem right there. In my mind that means he’s probably still kind of in love with her. He says they “moved on” but also says that he misses her because he can’t share things with her anymore. I wonder how his current GF feels about that. She doesn’t know, no doubt, or she wouldn’t be with him. Basically this is why people shouldn’t be friends (especially BEST friends!) with their exes.
— anonymous Pgh, PA 12/09/2008 Reply
I disagree with that last commenter. It’s natural to miss someone you were extremely close with. Even if you’re with someone else there are times you will think of that ex who knew all your private stuff and know they’d understand why you feel a certain way. It doesn’t mean you still love them in a romantic way. When I was in my 20s I wanted to own my own business (a particular kind but that’s not important.) 15 yrs later I own that business and I know my girlfriend from back then would be happy to see it. She helped me start planning for it and supported me when I thought I’d never do it. We broke up amicably and I do think of her sometimes when I look around at what I created because it was partly with help from her.
— JOE PGH 12/09/2008 Reply
For Mr. Househusband – While it’s perfectly acceptable in my opinion for a man to want to stay at home and raise children, I think you are trying to cover up one of your soft spots, which is not having a passion to fulfill your life. That doesn’t mean it has to fall into the “job” category, but the fact that you’ve never liked working signals to me that you are doing something you dread. Just because being at home is nice, relaxing and “easy,” doesn’t mean it’s going to be nice, relaxing and easy when children are thrown into the picture. Think again. I’m sure you will soon find yourself in the shoes of most women in this country – trying to figure out their true purpose.
— Anna (Pittsburgh) 12/09/2008 Reply
I never read Cat’s Call before now. I am in the same situation except my boyfriend is the one who wants us to stay “friends”. But he broke up with me! I asked him: if you don’t want us together then you don’t want me in your life and he said that’s not true. I think he’s afraid I’ll be with someone else and not there for him anymore. It makes it really hard for me to get over him because he treats me like his best friend and even flirts a little bit but nothing more. What am I supposed to do? I’m worried he’ll get another girlfriend and I’m just waiting for him. It’s not fair and I think it’s right when you say it’s kind of mean.
— SAbram Erie 12/09/2008 Reply
If you matain a BFF relationship with an ex you are preventing that same level of connection with new relationships.
— Diana(NY) 12/11/2008 Reply
The House Husband isn’t a progressive idea or ‘before its time’; it’s a faulty one. There are exceptions but in general it doesn’t look good if a man says he doesn’t do anything for a living. Biology aside it doesn’t matter if they’re a good father or even if they’re rich, there’s something lazy about a man who doesn’t EARN anything. He looks lazy or spoiled.
— martin j. PA 12/14/2008 Reply
Hey man!! I don’t like the idea of a man minding the chores… don’t you know that financial identity has always been one of the insecurities of man? Besides I’d hate to see my daughter and son seeing their father minding the chores while I work double time to provide for the family. It’s a big NO for me!
— carlab, philippines 12/21/2008 Reply