Columns
Swearing in the office & Trying so hard it turns her off
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
DEAR CAT: What is your call on swearing in the workplace? It doesn’t offend me personally, but it bothers others. Example: Just before a meeting, the boss says, “Where’s the &@%$#! coffee?!” The secretary scrambles around to ready it, then we sit quietly as he complains (with more bad words) about this quarter’s numbers. Should one of us say something? Or is it best to keep your mouth shut in these cases? — SILENT CPA
DEAR SILENT: It depends mostly on the nature of the office. Most large companies have rules against inappropriate language while small, private offices tend to be freer. If you (or others) feel offended, or the language creates a hostile environment, or it morphs from basic outbursts to personal, profanity-laced insults, absolutely say something. But if the toilet tongue doesn’t bother you… Cat’s Call: Why bother with it?
DEAR CAT: I’ve been dating a woman who gave me only her work cell number (not her normal phone number). First date: She was late, but that evening I learned she loves amusement parks and frogs, and she collects pens. Second date: She was late again. I took her to an amusement park, gave her pens from my work and a frog that goes on top of pens. I called her after the date but waited six days before she called me back. Third date: She was two hours late. She called, very upset, saying she was stuck in traffic. Knowing this, I got her a card to cheer her up once she arrived. After the date she said she wouldn’t have her phone on in the evenings that week. She then went away one weekend and I called her during her trip, but she didn’t answer. I called her a week after her trip, no response. Now it’s been weeks since we last talked. I normally would have written her off by now, but after the third date I thought there might be something between us. Since I took her to three places she enjoys and no one else took her there on dates, I thought I was looking good for date No. 4. I think she might be telling me indirectly that we are done since she hasn’t returned my calls in three weeks. Should I call her, wait until she calls me, or move on without getting a reason from her why we’re done? — THIRD CALL
DEAR THIRD: Stuck in traffic for two hours? Let me guess, an 18-wheeler jackknifed on the Santa Ana. Her car hit a water buffalo. Her dog ate her homework. I don’t believe you’d normally write her off by now. I believe you’re a thoughtful guy who tried too hard and ignored obvious signals that she wasn’t interested (you bought her a card after waiting for two hours!). Her recent disappearance isn’t an indirect message, it’s a blatant one. But she showed her perpetually late, too-rude-to-call-you-back colors from the onset. Don’t call her again, and don’t use this to support the stupid theory that women don’t like nice guys. She was uninterested and rude. You were over-interested and overdoing it. Sometimes people just don’t click… Cat’s Call: No matter how many gifts you give or hours you wait for them.
Hi Cat, I love your column. Most of the time I feel you are right on but every once in a while I donât agree with what you say and I hope that my openness is taken in a constructive way. This is one of those time I donât agree. Believe it or not people used to get arrested for swearing in public and what may even be harder to believe is that it is still illegal although I donât hear any reports about people landing in jail for dropping the âFâ bomb at the local mall. As for swearing in the workplace, swearing usually violates peoples rights as it aggressive and thatâs sometimes worse than physical aggression. My disagreement comes in that the person who is not particularly offended by swearing in the workplace should not let it go. She said that it doesnât bother her but the fact that she wrote must have triggered that something was wrong. And if she thought something was wrong it must bother her. Profanity never needs to be used. They are words in our language that does not communicate meaning or purpose. It only communicates attitude and a false sense of being for the person swearing. We are desensitized to profanity as it becomes more and more prevalent and thus we become detatched to the forces behind it. Language is a beautiful thing. We use language to encourage one another. We use our language to communicate in the building of our culture and technology. We say the right words in moments of caring and compassion. It should bother all of us in the fact that we take our words for granted. The fact that we can speak at all is a wonderful gift.
— A perspective from an older citizen but not a lot older. Just a little bit. 12/06/2008 Reply
Cat, About swearing in the office, I get the sense people donât understand how risky (or dumb) it is to tell your boss âPardon me, but I donât feel comfortable with the F word, please stop using it.â Itâs a given that swear words arenât good but flip the whole thing and see just because the word âshitâ may offend someone doesnât mean everyone else has to stop using it. Iâm not defending swearing in the office, itâs pretty uncouth, but calling attention to it (unless itâs really directed at one person in an abusive way) just fuels the fire and makes others conform to whatever language and words are deemed appropriate for the person whoâs offended. The real idiot is someone who risks their job taking some moral high ground about cursing.
— anonymous 12/06/2008 Reply
Cat: Iâm sorry, you blew that call. Iâm a 46 year old biker and when it comes to foul language, I just donât tolerate it. I did swear a lot. Itâs nasty. Now I donât put up with it at all, not even in bars. I speak right up and say something and I donât care who you are. If itâs the boss thatâs talking foul, say something and if he does it again say âThatâs two!â. If he does it again walk out of the room. Believe me you would be surprised how many people who will back you up that feel the same way as you do. If youâre worried about being fired, donât worry. If the boss fires you over that then heâs an idiot because foul language is a form of harassment and you can sue. There are people out there that donât even realize how bad they swear. A lot of times they donât even know theyâre swearing. I didnât till I saw a video of myself.
— anonymous 12/06/2008 Reply
Hello, Yea I know you donât need comments you already know everything:) Thatâs a joke. I am married 33 years. 57 years old but look 20 years younger even though I have a hard life as a caregiver to my dear disabled wife, sad story but regardless a true one. Itâs been years now. What prompted this note? Your very astute comment aboutâ some people just donât click âyouâre dead on accurate. My wife and I clicked years ago and why I still stand by her through health nightmares which she never asked for. I am regarded as a saint for staying with my wife when it seems most believe I have a perfect excuse to walk away. Nurses who I deal with all the time tell me how great a guy I am for sticking with my wife when in reality itâs really only whatâs right, and whatâs expected in the vows we both said. I enjoy your column from time to time. I am amazed how many people are just plain stupid making your job easy at times answering the obvious to even a child.
— All the Best CC 12/06/2008 Reply
Hi Cat, If a person is habitually late for dates, itâs three strikes, and youâre out.
— anonymous 12/06/2008 Reply
Cat, Cat, Cat⦠Donât you see why that girl blew him off? You say the theory about nice guys is stupid but itâs proof positive in this case. Ok that girl gave him clear signals and he did try too hard but if he blew her off sheâd be putty in his hands. I know youâd frown on that because youâre all about courtesy (which everyone should be but they arenât) but these are the games that must be played to get a womanâs attention or keep her attention once you have it initially. And to the guy in question: dude, donât even think about calling her. She gave you about a hundred hints, wise up.
— anonymous 12/06/2008 Reply
Hey Cat, I was in pain reading the question about the guy who bent over backwards trying to date that woman. Within three dates he takes her to all her favorite places, buys her cutesy little joke gifts, waits for her for hours, calls her when she goes away, calls her when she gets back, etc etc etc. OMG it was actually painful to read it as it went on. Iâm really glad you told him that he tried too hard because he seems nice but he allowed himself to get treaded on. And then he wants a âreasonâ why theyâre âdoneâ? They never started! I hope he meets someone nice who appreciates his thoughtfulness but jeezus dude get a backbone!
— anonymous 12/06/2008 Reply
Cat, I agree with you on that one. If it doesn’t offend him personally, Silent CPA should keep his &@%$#! mouth shut. It doesn’t belong in the office place, but certain industries are more lax about it than others.
— Lucie S. 12/06/2008 Reply
I love your response to this question. How obvious does it have to be to this guy. If a girl is not calling you back - take a clue, and stop trying so hard - thats such a turn off!!!! Also, love the new website!!!!
— "the hood" pittsburgh, pa 12/08/2008 Reply
I found myself physically cringing reading the Trying Too Hard guy’s letter. I read it more than once and it’s like the guy in Swingers when he left all those messages. One of the comments here says he should have blown her off. I get that theory but it’s not feasible for a real relationship to come out of it. You called this 150% right. This was a no-win situation.
— SamT.O. (Michigan) 12/19/2008 Reply