Columns
Do Wedding Vows Include A âSex Pactâ? And...Telling Your Girlfriend, âI'm Gayâ
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
DEAR CAT: Regarding the Tempted To Cheat question in your last column, you stated that the manâs wedding vows âdidn’t include a sex pact.” I’m pretty sure they did and you agree with them, otherwise there is no reason why he can’t sleep with any woman he wants. Wedding vows most certainly do include a sex pact, but evidently what it says is that the wife has no obligation to give the man sex but he better not get anywhere else. Does that sound about right? — GIMME A BREAK
DEAR GIMME: I got a mountain of mail about this, most of which zeroed in on the âsex pact.â I chose your misguided letter because it echoed many others and exemplifies the crux of the issue. You have it 99% right, except for one teeny tiny part: sexual desire (or a lack of it) is an issue for both spouses, not just husbands. Neither spouse is allowed to cheat, nor is either spouse obligated to provide sex on command, with a particular frequency, or even with a certain level of enthusiasm. Youâll need cleats to survive your logicâs slippery slope – if a wife must give it, then she is not allowed to refuse it, and thatâs where big (sometimes dangerous) problems arise. Sex is many things – organic, loving, natural, beautiful, quick, long, emotional, fiery, boring, sexy, you name it. Most importantly, sex should be given and received freely. If one spouse never wants it, both people should figure out why, and what to do about it. In other wordsâ¦Catâs Call: There is a problem that goes far beyond your prosaic view of, âthe wife should put out.â
DEAR CAT: I recently got out of a 1 year relationship with a wonderful girl. The reason I broke up with her is because I finally admitted to myself that I’m gay. We’ve kept in touch since the break up, and I’m ready to start dating men. Should I tell her the real reason that I ended it, or just make it clear that we’ll never be more friends? — FESS UP OR JUST MOVE ON?
DEAR FESS: A friend was once in a similar situation and Iâll give you the same advice I gave to him. If your ex was always honest and treated you with respect (you say sheâs wonderful, so thatâs probably a âyesâ), you should reciprocate to allow her the knowledge of why the relationship ended. After a breakup, so much heartbreak comes from not knowing why it ended. If youâre ready to be open with the world about your sexuality, start by telling the people who care about you the most. You already broke up with her – a clear sign that friendship is the most she could get from you. Catâs Call: If you tell her youâre gay, at least sheâll understand why.
Whatâs YOUR call? Share it below! Submit questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Hmmm, interesting bag of mail you got on this one, Cat. In our culture, sex is no longer reserved for the marital relationship alone. Statistics are always being published detailing how active young people are in their sexuality and when they start, etc. Hook-ups are a common way to end a night out at the club. Media portrayals of normal relationships include sex, but not always marriage. That’s why I find it interesting that all this discussion about a sex pact includes the idea that it’s an assumed right in marriage. If they are that adamant that sex must be included in marriage, your responders must think highly enough of marriage to want it included in that relationship. And if marriage ranks that highly to them, so should their vows. They promised “till death do us part…forsaking all others…for better or for worse…” (or something similar), not “only if the sex is frequent and satisfying enough to me” My call—-keep your word. Keep your promise! The issue is one of personal integrity first, and sexual matters second. If I can’t trust my spouse to keep her/his word, then I cannot trust them in the bedroom with my body either. The issue isn’t so much whether your wife loves you (and sex is never the only sign of someone’s love; ask a prostitute), it’s whether you love her enough to keep your promise to her. If you don’t, tell her. She deserves to know she married a liar and a cheater (so far, only in your mind, but…) I’m sure you would be less than thrilled if she were cheating on you. Be a man; keep your word. [As always, a great column, Cat!]
— Jon in Bradenton, FL 07/14/2009 Reply
It makes me embarrassed for my gender that too many men think like this guy.
— John, pittsburgh 07/14/2009 Reply
Mr. Gay, you wasted a year of that poor woman’s life. You owe her honesty. You just admitted you’re gay but you KNEW all along. A**hole.
— T.D. in Cleveland 07/14/2009 Reply
I agree with T.D.!!! Gay men expect all this sympathy when they finally admit they’re gay. Like who really cares??? It should mean one less guy to jerk women around but you’re no different! You used your girlfriend and using someone to cover your real sexual identity is still plain old using someone. You lied for a year to a nice person and you don’t deserve her friendship. You probably say there is social bias and all that but nobody cares if you’re gay-except the woman who falls for you thinking that she’s in a relationship that could go somewhere.
— Chris, Pittsburgh 07/14/2009 Reply
Cat, I agree with all of your points. However, at the risk of being labeled as “prosaic,” I still think my wife should put out. Who knows, she might even enjoy it. :-)
— Craig, Melbourne, Australia 07/14/2009 Reply
Bravo to Gimme A Break. He nailed it 100% on the head. Couldn’t possibly have said it any better. Your response was petty and your logic extremely flawed. But you are a woman and that is to be expected.
— American Badass 07/14/2009 Reply
Cat, yours is the response from someone who is likely not married. I don’t think that you are offering a complete and mature point of view here. Your words conflict Break’s because he said that he will seek sex outside of the marriage, and you said that he will force his wife to have sex with him, two very different circumstances.
If your wedding vows DON’T include a sex pact, you shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. Who doesn’t talk about sexual desires and needs with the ONLY person who can ever fulfill them again?
— Andy, Pittsburgh 07/14/2009 Reply
Is it just me or is the comment by “Andy from Pittsburgh” confused AND confusing? Earth to Andy, you are mixed up. Gimme a Break didn’t say he’s going to cheat, Tempted is threatening cheating. And where did Cat say anyone is “forcing” his wife to have sex with him? Maybe I am missing something but I read it twice and I still don’t get what you’re point is. The overall point is the alleged “sex pact” in marriage is really a “no sex with anyone ELSE” pact. This should be common knowledge and Cat is reminding them of that. My call: that pact should be for any relationship.
— Clara, Baltimore 07/14/2009 Reply
Cat,
Let me preface this by saying I am happily married. I have never cheated and I never will. There are some harsh realities that you are ignoring. Sex is a part of marriage. How big a piece of the marital pie depends on the individuals involved but it is a piece none the less. Assuming the marriage is running relatively smoothly sex is expected. If the man is doing his part and contributing to the financial and emotional success of the household then it is his right to receive this beautiful portion of their âpactâ. Saying â I Doâ to a person opens up yourself to sharing every bit of you with the other person. If the wife has to give it up sometimes when she is not in the mood, then that is the breaks. My wife takes care of me even on her âoffâ days. I say thanks honey, she kisses me and tells me she loves me and that is ultimately what we are talking about here. In a marriage you do for the other person because you love them. That goes for anything up to and including sex. Your sexist bra burning views are embarrassing. âI am woman and no man shall touch me even my husbandâ is a poor excuse for an educated opinion. If you donât like the fact that men need sex then donât get married and the âballâ will be in your court forever.
— My Wife Rocks 07/14/2009 Reply
What the men like “My Wife Rocks” can’t (or won’t!) address is: a man doesn’t need to be “serviced.” People like that only think about a man’s need for sex and think women don’t also need it. There ARE times when men aren’t in the mood, guys! I know plenty of women who have wanted it and been refused because he’s “not in the mood.” I agree that there are times you can or should give some affection to your partner even if you’re not feeling in the mood for sex but for it to be expected, and then threaten cheating when you don’t get it, is the problem.
— Terri, San Francisco 07/14/2009 Reply
Gimme a Break was right on, I have a business that I run and have to make decisions every day, I raised 2 children (with my wife), I take care of our home, make all kinds of adult decisions, but when it comes to sex it is only if & when she is in the mood (which is about 6 times a year). At 52 I am treated like a child!
— Pete Pittsburgh PA 07/14/2009 Reply
Most of the debate regarding Tempted To Cheat is men and women protecting their respective turf, while not really disagreeing on anything.
I think marriage is the ultimate and original sexual pact (Sorry Cat). In fact, the marriage doesn’t begin legally until after the sex happens. However, I don’t believe that translates into sex on demand..nor did Tempted to Cheat suggest that sex on demand is what he expected.
It sounds to me like Tempted’s wife checked out of her role as her husband’s lover. He doesn’t accept it (neither would I), and he should tell her. They could fix it or end it. I would hope their investment in their children would motivate them to fix it.
There’s no defense for a wife (assuming she’s healthy) who would enjoy all aspects of marriage and family, while negelecting her husband sexually. Nor is their a defense for a husband who would enjoy all aspects of a marriage while sneaking outside the marriage.
Mark’s Call: Gimme a Break is right, but so is Terri.
— Mark Freeport 07/14/2009 Reply
What I meant was, unless there is a medical issue, in which case it’s your job to be supportive, etc., then it’s NOT ok for a wife to hold her husband’s sexual needs hostage. Men’s sexual needs are delegitimized and demonized in our society. Therefore, it has become acceptable to deny that one…and only that one need. What needs of hers are you allowed to ignore? The answer is none, as it should be…but it should work both ways…
— Gimme A Break 07/15/2009 Reply
I really appreciate Cat’s stand on this issue. I believe that many women lose the hormones over time that support a sex drive. Just as children aren’t sexual before puberty, without a normal level of these hormones, women can become completely disinterested. I honestly think this is a problem without an answer. You can’t expect a woman to have sex against her will or a man to become celibate. It’s just a really unfortunate situation and each couple will have to come up with their own not-perfect solution. What I think we need is empathy on both sides rather than righteousness.
— Missy, Pittsburgh 07/15/2009 Reply
Wow Mark from Freeport, when you wrote “marriage doesnât begin legally until after the sex happens” I almost lost my lunch. Where and how did you get THAT idea?? Sex is not a legal act!! Lol. A marriage without sex is still a legal marriage! It’s not one I’d want but it’s still marriage. Many couples don’t even have sex on their wedding night because they’re so exhausted from all the hoopla and festivities. Does that mean they’re not married? The rest of your logic is normal and reasonable but THAT is a serious lack in information/judgement.
— Cal, Philadelphia 07/18/2009 Reply
I am appalled at the views of some of the male commentators here, and I am glad that my man does not feel I must “put out” or “take care of him” even on my “off” days. If I were your wives/girlfriends and read your thoughts, I’d run for the hills. Sex in a relationship is a two way street, and both parties should enjoy it, be able to reject it when not in the mood, and work on keeping it fun and frequent. However, there is no sex pact in a marriage, and those of you who think a woman is obligated to have sex are a small boundary line away from advocating rape by a husband, or vice versa. You are making sex a job or an obligation, and it is neither. Tempted does not have an excuse to cheat because his wife is refusing to have sex with him. He does have a basis for divorce, if he feels the situation is irreversible and not fixable. It is sad for he and his wife that she does not wish to have sex with him, but he and many of these commentators seem to miss the crux of the problem – there is something wrong in the relationship, mentally or emotionally wrong with the wife, or physically wrong in the relationship. The root of the problem must be fixed or the sex will never be given freely, and that is the ONLY way sex should be given. I hope they work out their problems and remain married (and happily married), but I am saddened that so many men out there do not see sex as Cat described it (accurately) – organic. loving and beautiful…..
As for Pete in Pittsburgh, your marriage appears to have similar problems if you only have sex six times a year, and YOU are behaving like a child unless you take a stand and seek counseling or medical help because a healthy, loving relationship should result in more intimacy. Don’t blame your wife and act like you play no part – be active in solving the problem! You are partners in life after all – work together.
— Karen C - Pittsburgh 07/21/2009 Reply
I have a friend whose wife left him because he wasn’t giving it up.
He works rotating shifts (daylight one week, 3 to 11 the next and nightturn the third week) So he was tired due to the schedule. He was not meeting his wifes needs and she eventually cheated and they divorced. She said it was the lack of a sex life and it made her feel unwanted and unloved. Alot of people hearing this agreed with her because they felt he wasn’t meeting her needs. But if it’s the other was around then the guy is a scum bag. Marriage is a commitment between both husband and wife. Part of that commitment is meeting the needs of the other person spiritually, mentally and physically.
— Paul 07/28/2009 Reply