Columns
Stuck In The 'Friends Zone' & An Engagement With No Wedding In Sight
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
DEAR CAT: I am in a similar situation to your Feb 3rd column but my friendship has not materialized into a romantic relationship. I am very close with a female friend who is my same age, 27. I have developed very strong feelings for her and would like to take our relationship further but she does not feel the same way and says she doesn’t want to be with anyone right now (she has not dated anyone in the past year, since ending a serious relationship). Everything is so easy and natural between us. When weâre out together I know people assume we are a couple – but we’re not, and that’s frustrating. I’ve told her about my feelings and, fortunately, it has not made things awkward. Yet I invited her to travel and visit my family with me but she declined because it seemed too âdate-y.â At this point she/this is driving me crazy, yet I can’t just cut her out of my life and move on; our friendship is too important. I want her to be on the same page but she’s not and there’s nothing I can do about it – I’m stuck in the dreaded âfriends zoneâ. Is there any way I can get her to come around? â FRUSTRATED IN ATLANTA
DEAR F.I.A.: Your letter is madly appropriate as we near Feb. 14th. Itâs got it all: friendship, unrequited love, all the ânot knowingâ, itâs so very Valentineâs. Itâs great that youâve been honest with her about your feelings but now theyâre dangling over everything. Itâs endearing that you donât think the admission has created any awkwardness between you, but of course it has, otherwise sheâd travel with you to visit your family. Youâre right, you canât force her to fall for you, so stay calm, enjoy the friendship as much as you can, and when the time is rightâ¦Catâs Call: If itâs meant to be, it will be.
DEAR CAT: I have been engaged to a really good guy for 13 months. We are older, I am 50 and he will be 51. We have been together for four years. I was married before but he never was. My problem is that we have been engaged for 13 months now and while he said he did not want a long engagement, a long engagement is what it is. We never talk about wedding plans. The only time we do is if we hear of another couple or family member getting engaged, then we talk about it for a day or two and then no more. It is not that he does not love me because I know he does. Do you think this is strange? —Need to know
DEAR N.T.N.: Strange? Not at all. Sadly common is more like it. Iâve never understood long engagements, unless a couple is planning the wedding of the century. An engagement is incredibly telling and important; it is a public pronouncement of the intention to marry. If it drags on there will be questions about the validity of his intention. Youâre not his casual girlfriend anymore, you are his wife-to-be and you should raise the issue. Not as an ultimatum, but as a way to feel secure about this most important decision. Catâs Call: If you let him navigate this without you, donât be surprised if your marriage has the same dynamic.
It is very suspect that her fiance never talks about marriage. What else is there to talk about once you get engaged besides the wedding?? It kind of sounds like they got engaged in a casual manner, which explains maybe why a man of 51 years has never been married. I’m surprised you didn’t bring that up.
— Cat Fan pittsburgh 02/10/2009 Reply
I think it would be cliche to bring up the fact that he’s never been married (though I admit it makes me wonder about him just because of how he’s acting in this relationship). There are many reasons why someone doesn’t marry earlier in life and in this man’s case perhaps he doesn’t know the proper way to get things rolling. She HAS been married though and therefore should take the reins on this matter. That’s my call.
— Jane, Pittsburgh 02/10/2009 Reply
There was a movie (not Harry Met Sally) that said: when it comes to men being friends with women, the women are merely people the men haven’t slept with YET. If this guy knew what’s good for him he’d go after her like she’s a romantic conquest. He already waited around while she was in a relationship, then he waited another year, now he’s waiting around again. It doesn’t sound like they’re really friends (I have female friends and I don’t sit around pining for them.)
— Tbill (USA) 02/10/2009 Reply
Right now, he’s a security blanket for her. You can’t “make” someone have feelings for you. What he should do is move on, start dating, maybe she’ll realize that she really does have feelings for him. As the saying goes, “you don’t know what you got till it’s gone”.
— Jennifer, Pittsburgh 02/10/2009 Reply
I had a long engagement with my now wife. It was 6 years before we got married. The reason was our govenment makes it so it’s cheaper to live together than to be married. We did get married 3 years ago because we had to for insurance purposes. Talk to older people that have retired and are on SSI. They can’t get married because the government will cut their SSI in half. Which is wrong if you worked for your whole life.
— John Mann Pittsburgh PA. 02/10/2009 Reply
Cat, I think this guy only got engaged so he wouldn’t hear the ‘Is this relationship going anywhere?’ question for a while. It already got him 13 months.
— Jenny 02/10/2009 Reply
The guy who has fallen for his friend should be careful. Eventually, his friend will be ready to date again, and my hunch is that it won’t be with him. Can he handle that?
— Paula 02/10/2009 Reply
Mr. Frustrated should go after her with a vengeance and sweep her off her feet. Yeah maybe she’s just not that into him (that part seems obvious) but you have to show a woman what you’re made of. Currently she can be casual with him because he gives her that option. Take away that option and she can choose between dating him (or at least giving him a shot) or nothing at all. The world of women isn’t that difficult to figure out —> not saying that to be sexist just realistic.
— W.B. (SoCal) 02/10/2009 Reply
I agree, what is he waiting for?? Well he’s waiting for her to turn around and realize he exists. There’s no shame in admitting you like your friend but it FEELS shameful after a while if it’s not reciprocated. I think a key point is that she was in that “serious relationship”. Chances are she’s still into that guy at least enough to keep her from moving on (with this guy or anyone).
— Jack S. PA 02/10/2009 Reply
I like the advice from some who suggested that the guy not be so quick to give up. He might very well end up standing on the sidelines when another guy swoops in and begins dating his friend. And if he thinks his emotions are being twisted now, he’ll get to experience a new level of emotional hell when that happens. As for the guy who never mentions marriage for the past 13 months, some guys have to be pushed to take the next step. It doesn’t always mean that a guy isn’t interested in marriage. He might not know what an engagement means. Being older doesn’t make you wiser. A gentle — or swift — kick in the rear might be all that he needs. If he truly isn’t interested in marriage, then the woman needs to rethink the relationship. Because then it’s obviously heading in a different direction than what she thought.
— Mike, Richland Twp. 02/10/2009 Reply
My advice to the guy waiting for his friend to “come around” is to start dating someone. Once she sees that he is going out with another female, if she has feelings for him she will be jealous. If not, then that should tell him it’s time to move on and keep her as just a friend, but in the mean time he might just meet the girl of his dreams.
— anonymous, Pittsburgh 02/12/2009 Reply
Cat, you gave some pretty bad advice to Frustrated In Atlanta. He seems like a really good guy. He has been showering her with attention and affection and she has given nothing back to him. The reason she’s not interested is because he’s not a challenge, he’s always there when he needs her and he’s probably the one arranging their hangouts. What he should do is just distance himself. Take time to do the things he wants and leave her alone. After a while she’ll notice that she’s not getting the care and love she was getting before, she’ll come around and start calling him. I’m sure right now it is a one-sided relationship. DON’T “ENJOY THE FRIENDSHIP” IF YOU WANT IT TO CHANGE. Just move on to greener pastures. If she forgets about you and starts dating someone else, consider yourself lucky for not spending money on that vacation.
— Raja, South Side 02/19/2009 Reply
Hi CAT:
Your response to “Near ruin” was right on target! I am compelled to respond due to my work and experience over the last 25 years.
I feel so bad for her since I have seen too many in similar situations with very saddening results. Life is a beautiful thing if you find joy in it, regardless of your economic situation. She bneeds help to find joy. As you stated, she did not see obvious warning signs that she had hitched to the wrong waggon. We all have the need for comfort and security and usually have the resources to get it, including those who can help. It is very troublesome that her problems go across settings-at work, socially and with her family.
It looks much like the many that I see- it is not that they are not intelligent or have mental health problems, it is best characterized as a connectivity problem. Like any car with a full tank of gas with the line broken or an engind and transmission with no fluid, the world’s best sports car will not run.
There are some miraculalous developments in psycho-pharmacology today that can help supply the line or the transmission fluid that is necessary. Ofcourse there are natural treatments as well, but are far and few between,success is very limitted (- it takes the kind of discipline which would obviate such problems in the first place!)
Obviously, there can be no prescription without a proper diagnosis. All Psychaitrists are not created (or trained) equal. One with extensive training and practice in neurology and the use of psychotropics would be the one to look for.
There are a lot of self-help guru’s as well, few with excellent medical training and research. Dr. Daniel Amen M.D. is on of them. Once you get past his hoaky titles for his books, his approaches are very helpful, and easily understood by non-professionals. “Change your brain, Change your life” is a good starting point. His website-“Amen clinics.com” is also a good resource.
Cat, I hope you can impress upon her to seek help! In this great country, no one should have to enslave herself to some one else for mere survival! Unlike the others who responded to her, she obviously needs more gudance/help than she is getting.
— Jack in Moon Township 04/02/2009 Reply