Cat:
While I’m one of the people who voted that the person who issues an invitation should pay, I have a few bones to pick with Give A Little. First of all, his premise that “Women now make as much money as (sometimes more than) men” is incorrect. Women with the same education, job responsibilities, and working hours as male colleagues still only make about seventy cents to his dollar.
Secondly, many men still have problems with the idea of dating a woman who makes more than he does. Many I’ve spoken with on the issue say they want to pay and feel insulted when a woman wants to split the bill. They claim that “going Dutch” is a sign that she’s not all that into him. It sounds like G.A.L. just isn’t dating the right women. If he branched out and set his sights on a woman who is generally nicer, more secure, and less traditionally-minded than his usual dates, he might find the ‘Dutch’ mate he seeks.

Another Reader Says…

In the women or men paying for dates, while I do believe whoever does the inviting should pay or it should be split equally, I would like to point out that, generally, women still make seventy cents on the dollar that men make. This is especially true in the Pittsburgh region and has been referenced over and over again in the media. While paying should be equal, we should be aware that there are still disparaging inequities in the pay rate between men and women.

Dear Cat:
I complete agree with your response to Unlidded, who seems to think that being “single” is a perfectly happy, acceptable state of being. Clearly she’s missing out, and not only does she not know what she’s missing, but she’s convinced herself that she doesn’t care. Pretty soon, I am sure, she will learn that being with someone is ALWAYS preferable to being alone. (I mean, come on: Is she never going to the movies again? How is she going to get flowers?) Since I started dating in my teens (now midtwenties) I don’t think I’ve spent a Friday and/or Saturday night without a date (& don’t think I ever could!) Being by yourself is, as you said, completely depressing. Who wants to learn to do that? And hanging out with friends only gets you so far in life. She should learn to change her standards and just allow herself to be with someone. Anyone is better than no one!
XOXO—Stand By Your Man

Dear Stand By…,
You and I are not on the same page. You make a couple decent points, but ‘anyone is better than no one’ is not one of them. That’s not just depressing – it’s desperate. You and Unlidded should hang out. You can give her a few dates and she can give you a dose of independence.

Re: Honesty is Overrated
I have heard “Why are you telling me this?” many times. My ego was too busy to understand. One date stood up and walked away, another did shots until she couldn’t hear (she was convinced that bleeding from the ears would make her less attractive) and yet another started humming tunes from “Rocky Horror”. Experience has helped this sad situation, but not enough. Any advice regarding when to shut up? Many platonic female friends disagree on what point to keep quiet or regarding what subjects (Common ground: former relationships).
—Boringly Honest

Cat:
That girl’s boyfriend wants to take a break because he’s testing the waters with someone else first, but is keeping her on the back burner, in case his new girl falls through. She should tell him it’s completely over, and find the better man she deserves!!
—It’s Happened to ME!

Congratulations to Unlidded for being so bitter that he makes me look happy. In fact, while I was reading that I thought to myself “did I write in my sleep and mail it to Cat?” Christ, even I’m not that bitter…and I’ve been in that guy’s shoes. That’s nothing more than the frustration of being single acting out ... and he’s so damn angry…assuming he’s a he. He has to be a he. No woman gets this pissed at being alone.

Dear Cat,
I’m a Pgh ‘transplant’ and a reader of your column (I admit I don’t remember to read it every week). I’ve written to you before about some of your calls but now I’m writing about some of your personal information and your Pauses which I discovered only recently. I have to admit that a lot of those things make me pause too. Especially your (mostly but not all) humorous list of things that make you pause like the political stuff and people who say I love you when they don’t really mean it. WHY do people do that? Probably to get sex. Or to feel power you think? No matter what it really does make you wonder (or pause, as you put it). And you aren’t kidding about the 1st amendment. Seeing your education background makes me pause and wonder if you might know a lot more than you let on. Ever thought of running for office? That’s something to make me pause… and maybe even cast a vote : ) Keep ‘calling’ it like it is.
—REBECCA, WEST LOS ANGELES

Hey Cat,
Just read your pause thing about honesty. OMG that happens all the time but women are the worst at it. I’m sure you women hear your fair share of guys and their honesty but women give the lion’s share. They tell you their whole freakin’ life story to the point where you don’t even want to take advantage of them later. Seriously it’s good to hear you say that you DON’T always want to hear everything up front. Takes the pressure off and just lets a date happen. That’s the way it should be.
—READ YA LATER

Dear Cat:
I have a very private matter and I have no one else to turn to. It has to do with my boyfriend. I can not ask my best friend, because she knows him too well, and I want to respect our privacy. I am a faithful reader of your column, and 99% of the time agree with your advice. Also, I’ve never seen you address an issue like this, and I can’t be the only one dealing with this. So since you have no idea who I or my boyfriend are, I am turning to you.
I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year. We have already discussed marriage, and have agreed it will happen in the near future. He is the man of my dreams in every way, except one. He is super fast in bed – like minutes fast. I don’t have a chance. My question is, how do I sensitively bring up that I’d like to work on “taking things slower”? I haven’t said anything because I thought he’d get desensitized to it, but he hasn’t. I know to approach the subject when we are in a calm, relaxing situation, but I am at a loss of words to actually say. I am too afraid it will come out wrong, and I will sound like a slut? a b****? Take your pick of any word… He is so great to me in every way, but I also feel like we lack a sort of intimacy/connection that comes with “being together”, if you catch my drift. This has been weighing on my mind for a long time. Even if you don’t publish this letter in your column, I would appreciate it if you could answer me directly. I know you get bombarded with tons of questions, but if you could find the time to answer mine, I would be grateful to you forever, and save a spot for you and a guest at my wedding, so you can partake in the free food and drinks!! But seriously, I could cry right now just thinking about it, and how I think I shouldn’t be so selfish. I just don’t want to marry him and have an unsatisfying sex life. I know there are more important things than sex, but it can be up there. I feel guilty for even thinking like this a little. Please help me out. Please just sign me “ANONYMOUS”. I will know this letter when I see it.

Dear Anonymous,
Nope, you’re not the only one dealing with this situation, so take heart. It takes a good bit of bravery to write about a subject that makes you feel uncomfortable and (drum roll) guilty. And that goes tenfold for talking about it with your boyfriend. But, it’s something you absolutely need to do. Yes there are more important things than sex (though some might disagree), but it’s not unimportant – in any way. Your instinct is right about waiting for a nice, calm moment to introduce the subject but please don’t do it in bed. You’re not selfish for wanting great sex with the man you love and you’re certainly not a slut. Those names, among others, resonate with millions of women when it comes to standing their ground in the bedroom (or boardroom, for that matter) and bravo to you for wanting to change that.
In terms of what to say… that has to be your call. I can’t know what his emotional triggers are, but anything along the lines of “baby, I have to be honest, our sex life sucks” should be avoided at all costs, even if said in a joking manner, because he will only feel inadequate and/or unwanted. But do be honest, no matter what. Not harsh or accusatory, but honest. Remember, if you’re planning on spending your lives together, it is incredibly important to talk openly about this subject because it will help both of you. If he loves you, he can’t be happy knowing that you’re never really satisfied. And as much as this problem bothers you now, it won’t go away.

Cat Note: have you ever suggested that he take care of himself (or have you do it) before having sex? Might be a way to get the initial fervor out of him so he can focus on… focusing. And don’t hesitate to read up on this subject – together. Sex books are fun, sexily educational, and there are tons of them out there. Next time you’re talking about or looking at or shopping for toys (or anything in that arena) raise the subject of reading material. Might seem unsexy at first, but learning about what makes each of you tick is a tremendous way to get close. Hope this was helpful. And thanks for the wedding invite! —Cat

Cat:
I like how you say suggestive stuff without actually saying it. You wrote if the person stays open enough they’ll eventually find a top for their box. LOL. You said box lol. I knew what you were saying. Your regular readers will definitely know what you were saying. On a side note, I also think there’s someone out there for everyone. Not just for their box, lol. Have a good one.
—Gary, Cleveland

Cat:
Oh-my-god I just read the thing about the woman who thinks her new female friend wants to bang her ?!?!?!? All I can say is thank you. This is why I read your column… to spill f’n coffee all over myself at work from laughing. Whoooppeee you hit it where it’s at girl. I wasn’t thinking “ego” but that’s exactly what it is! You have never posted my comments on Not Printed but please please please please post this. I’ll read you anyway but for once I’d also like to read myself : )

—Such A Fan

Dear Fan,
A gift from me to you. Enjoy reading…yourself : )