Cat,
The most unromantic gift I ever knew of: My sister-in-law came home from having a baby and her husband bought her a new ironing board. ARGH!

Cat:
Love your column—gotta share on the subject of impersonal presents — about 10 years ago my husband of 7 or 8 years presented me with a ceiling fan for Christmas. Since I consider Christmas to be a bigger deal than birthdays the lack of personalness really bothered me. I appreciated the effort but…. The particularly funny part is that this year for our 22nd anniversary I asked him to install a ceiling fan in our living room!

Dear Cat,
Your question and answer re the well groomed widow struck a chord with me. I, too, am a recent widow. Yes, I am sad, but the best way to lose friends is to be a long faced sad-sack. No one wants to be around negative, weepy people for long. It certainly would not help the widow either. As you think, so will you be! Think happy and be happy. I know my husband would want me to be, and I am working hard to be upbeat and interesting. And know what? I feel better, too. Your answer was perfect.

Cat,
Re: Well-Groomed Widow. Several years ago, I lost my dad after a fight with cancer. My mom mourned him for a while, but after that was done, she absolutely blossomed. My siblings and I couldn’t be happier. It does not mean that she / we didn’t love our dad. And her walking around in a grief driven daze would not honor our dad, or our mother… Sign me, Glad My Mom Didn’t Let Losing Her Husband Kill Her

Cat:
Re: being widowed
I agree with you – others don’t know the circumstances / understanding that the couple had. My husband died from complications of ALS (Lou Gehrig’s) last September. I remember the day he said, “I am dying, you know.” We talked for probably an hour about my life after his passing… but others don’t know that. I was criticized for wearing my birthstone ring on my left hand “too soon.” Never mind that I have my wedding band on my right pinky, and his on my right ring finger.

She’s Lost That Lovin’ Feeling….

Hey Cat,
That guy appreciates that his girlfriend is letting him try to win back her affection???? It’s his girlfriend, he shouldn’t have to fight for her affection!! It’s not like he cheated on her or hurt her in some way. Right on with your ‘call’ but he shouldn’t just abstain from sex for a while, he should break up with her.

Hi Cat,
Surprised at your call about the girlfriend who said she’s not attracted to her boyfriend anymore. I wonder how many excuses he’ll take before he gets rid of her. Bad breath? That’s harsh. Then she sleeps with him anyway but makes sure to act like she doesn’t really want it?? He’s going to get a complex and she’s probably got something else on the side. Gotta give you credit for telling him to cut off the love supply. Usually it’d be the other way around, telling girls not to give it up. Nice one.

Hi Cat,
I just read your response to About My ‘FIT’ WIfe and I have to say that I am disappointed. I agree that she is sensitive, but I don’t think that ‘skinny’ is a flattering word. Your 3rd party reaction is what she was perceiving from the beginning. ‘Skinny’ is in the same category with ‘sickly.’ It isn’t a compliment. Why not say ‘healthy’ or ‘fit’ and leave it at that? Not everyone has an eating disorder. No point in putting someone down if they take care of their self. My suggestion to the wife: next time someone tries commenting on your weight ask them if they want to go running or hit the gym. It will tell you a lot more about them, and also change the focus of the conversation from the scale to a healthy lifestyle.
— Focus on the Goal

• Dear Focus,
  Point taken, but you’re still missing the point. If someone gives you a compliment, say thank you and move on. In this case the word skinny is intended as a compliment, not an insult. The overly sensitive wife needs to learn manners, nothing more. When it comes to compliments, we can’t force the world to use language which pleases us. Just ask any woman who’s ever been called cute more than once : ) Thanks for sharing your thoughts. — Cat

Cat,
Re: Here’s The Skinny On Your Wife…
Hillarious! :D

Cat:
In response to Disappointed, the woman whose boyfriend is lazy… RUN. At 40 years old, he is not going to change. He is looking for someone to take care of him, in other words, he is looking for another mother. Things to think about…take a close look at yourself. Why is he at your house 90% of the time? Are you contributing to his lack of ambition and laziness by taking care of him like a mother? If you are, trust me, it will not change after marriage – it will be expected.

Hi Cat,
I just read your column about the girl who’s waiting for her boyfriend to get comfortable talking about marriage and I had to write in. Once I saw the comments on the website from other readers I saw I wasn’t alone in this train of thought: she should dump him, flat out. I’m telling you right now that, speaking from a guy’s point of view, she’s been with him years longer than she should have. I’ve been that guy. The one who does love his girlfriend but in a comfortable way. I bet he literally never thinks about marriage…never. She’s waiting for something that is not ever going to happen.
— Just sign me “Single Sage In San Fran”

Cat,
I have two points. 1) The girl who signed her name Confused About The Future should dump her boyfriend. Seriously she is doing what girls always do; convincing herself that his measly verbal tokens are more meaningful than they are. I like your ‘call’ but you should have gone further. 2) Even if an invite says not to bring a gift to a graduation party you should bring one anyway. Like you said, even dictionaries or fancy pens. Yes, that puts the burden on the host to write a thank-you note afterward, but so what? It’s still classy.
— Cathy J., Wheeling, WV

Hey Cat,
There is NO way that couple in today’s column is ever getting married. When a guy only says he can “see you in his future” that can mean he sees you together 2 months from now. I don’t care how young they are, they so aren’t getting married.
— Single In Rochester

Cat:
I just read your column regarding the graduation party and I think both you and the author of the message missed the point. A graduation party is to celebrate the graduation of a loved one not to see how much loot one can accumulate. Despite this we all receive invitations year after year to parties held in honor of the children of mere acquaintances clearly in hopes of a check coming their way. I will agree that packing food to take away is clearly uncouth and that at the very least a congratulatory card should have been purchased but a gift should not be required for attendance at a function. The fact that it was a catered event is irrelevant. If the mother is so put out that people didn’t “pay their way” with a gift she should either a) stop living beyond her means, or b) show her true colors and have a cover charge at the door or possibly get a can and panhandle at the event. The saddest part of the whole thing is that this young man’s accomplishment has now been overshadowed by his mother’s pettiness.
—jlh in pgh

Cat,
Thanks for printing my question regarding my son’s graduation party. I would like to respond to the feedback by “jlh.” Everyone I invited to this party has known my son since birth; I did not invite just mere acquaintances. The coworkers I have worked with for 22 years and they have watched my son grow up. I do not think I am petty, and I do not live above my means. Yes, the fact that the party was catered is not important – but I have been to affairs in the past where food was not in abundance or even that good, but I was still generous to the graduate, newlyweds, new parents etc., and was happy to be there for the celebration. I always make my guests feel welcome and encourage them to take home cookies, cake or whatever they want. The person who packed up a load of food did so before everyone got a chance to go through the buffet line – otherwise I wouldn’t have really minded. I didn’t expect huge amounts of money – I know times are hard for a lot of people. Quite honestly, the few folks I know who are struggling financially gave a gift., and those who I know are doing just fine did not give a gift. Maybe that is why they are doing fine – because they are cheap.

Hi Cat,
I hope against all hope that your response about the graduation party was sarcastic. Do you seriously believe that every guest must bring a gift to a party? I know it’s a bit rude not to bring something when you are someone’s guest, but you make it sound like it’s required and that totally negates the meaning behind giving a GIFT. You should want to do something nice for the graduate, but if you don’t (or maybe can’t—this woman can’t possibly be privy to all her friends’ financial details and even so, it’s none of her business), then so be it. The guests were invited to celebrate the graduate, not be hit up for cash. What kind of message does that send to a new adult who needs guidance on how to get along in the real world? No wonder kids today are so narcissistic. Miss Manners would be ashamed of you.

• Dear Reader:
  Parts of my response were sarcastic but the overall message was the same as, ahem, yours: “It’s a bit rude not to bring something when you are someone’s guest.” So true, and especially when attending a party celebrating a major life accomplishment (no different than a baby shower, wedding, etc.) If you had a party celebrating your child’s graduation from high school, you would be surprised and a bit saddened to see longtime friends or colleagues attend without offering so much as a “congrats!” card. — Cat

Dear Cat,
My comments are in regards to the mom upset about some ot the guests at her son’s graduation party. I happen to agree that it is in poor taste to attend such an event and not acknowledge who/why they are there to celebrate. I understand that some people are strapped financially and may not be able to give a gift, but at least a card to say congratulations and thanks for including us in your special day would be appropriate and appreciated. Mom’s comments may have seemed strong, but I think that only revealed the hurt she felt from her long-time friends inconsiderate behavior. Come on, packing up food like that is just inexcusable – reminds me of the swarms of “starving” guests at weddings that try to see how many cookies they can cram on a plate to take home.

Guy Emails Instead Of Calling…

Cat,
I just want to tell that girl (the one whose date won’t call her back) that it is not smart to date a guy if he doesn’t call you. Believe me, I used to do that and I only did it when I didn’t like a girl all that much. I mean, I liked them, but I didn’t “like” them. You are definitely right when you say that if a guy really wants a woman, he will call.
— Former non-caller

Cat,
I beg to differ. I’m sixty years old and absolutely hate making phone calls. Always have. As a child, I would walk or bike to see someone rather than make a simple phone call. Email is the greatest. You have time to consider before replying. You can write it and reconsider. You don’t repeat yourself – which was an issue with me even when I was young. You can respond at your own time and not when a dozen other things are flying around. It reduces the chances that things are misunderstood or at least allows for clarification afterwards. (Not all these are “relationship considerations,” to be sure.) The writer’s friend may not be to your (or her) taste, but cut him some slack please.

• C’mon, this isn’t about “taste” or liking the phone. It’s about basic courtesy, and a lack thereof says something important about one’s consideration of others. If you call someone with whom you have a romantic relationship and they don’t call you back, it hurts. Any man with a modicum of dating smarts knows he shouldn’t make a woman feel like she’s merely one of a dozen things flying around. —Cat

Cat:
As a guy I can’t disagree with your ‘call’ about not calling a woman back. But there is one exception – when you really really really like her. I’m not saying this so women will put up with men who don’t call them back, thinking, “he really likes me.” I’m just saying you can like a woman too much, or it feels like it, and it’s easier to treat her casually than get all distracted and tongue-tied. Honestly there are times you talk to a woman you like and you can’t concentrate on anything else. It can happen when you email too but phone is worse. So you’re an idiot who doesn’t call her back and she thinks you don’t like her, but you actually do. It’s stupid of course but it happens.

Cat,
Re: Your column today about the lady who did not like the fact that her new male friend used e-mail rather than phoning her. I agree with the principle that it is much better etiquette to call. I can think of one good reason, though, for an exception, especially after the first contact. In today’s (nasty?) world I believe it would offer some protection to the lady if she did not give her home phone, but rather corresponded by e-mail. With Caller ID and the like she could lose her privacy. Keep up the sound (or electronic) advice :-)

Hi Cat,
RE: the column Making The Call On E-Mail Dating Habit. If a man is blessed to have a lady friend, he should put her number on speed dial.

Cat-
About that guy who doesn’t call but emails, you have it right. I hate the phone. I will talk to my parents, my husband and occasionally my sisters but that is it. Heck, I started using the phone when I was dating my now-husband because I loved the connection with him and his voice, because he was worth my time and effort. That doesn’t mean we don’t email and IM but there is something about connecting with a voice that is special. I will use email for those that I want to keep in touch with but have vastly different schedules and lifestyles.

Cheating Brother Marries (Again)…

Hi Cat,
I can totally relate to Disappointed Little Sister. In my case it’s my cousin. We were always very close, mostly because we were both only children and kind of felt like sisters. She’s been married three times and I swear she likes the attention of the weddings more than the marriages. I guess it’s up to D.L.S. if she wants to cut her brother out of her life but like you said, she probably just needs a different perspective and to pull away a little bit so she doesn’t feel angry at him all the time. Thanks for hearing my thoughts.

Dear Cat:
I am responding to your opinion regarding the sister who has an infidel brother. I totally understand the importance of having a big brother in your life; however, the effect of his behavior on his kids is truly difficult to get past. And maybe cutting ties with him would be a bit of a wake-up call. I’m even thinking that the parents ought to have more of a tough-love stance as well. For me, it would be next to impossible to love someone who lacks so much responsibility and has caused so much pain just because he “wants some excitement.” You suggested that she judge him as a big brother rather than how bad a husband he has been. I even question how good a brother he can be with such a skewed moral center.
From, Concerned for Little Sis

• Dear Concerned,
  You might be right – he may not be a good big brother at all. She said it was the first time in her life she didn’t adore him, so I assumed he was a-ok. You do make an excellent point about the parents taking a tougher stance. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. —Cat

• Regarding the guy with the fat wife. First off this dude better be in tremendous physical condition. Second he better have no scars or blemishes on him. If, and only if, he is in the same condition as when they met, and before she got pregnant, then here is what he can do. Head to the strip bar every night. If your wife questions you, then say “well I like women who look a certain way. Im a man and I need to have certain needs met by women who look a certain way. I need to look at women with perfect tits and a great ass and no marks on them. I need to look at women who look like what most men desire. You are more than welcome to join me. As a matter of fact I’d love you to join me ‘cause I’ve been trying to figure out a way to get one of these girls home for a threesome. Wouldn’t that be fun? To roll around in our bed with a hot little 20 year old stripper? So grab your coat and let’s go. Maybe you can get some tips as well on how the girls stay so thin. Most of those girls probably have children, so let’s get some tips about that too.” If the wife doesn’t go, then go yourself. Spend more and more time there. If she complains, then say, “Hey, I’d rather look at you naked, but you’d dont look good naked to me anymore. Get back to the old way and I’ll be glad to stay home and watch you naked.” This should work like a charm. If it doesnt, you’ll be divorced and it won’t matter anyway.

• The husband with the wife with the weight problem and the stretch marks wrote: “…a little romance and attraction need to be present for this marriage’s long-term viability, especially with so much temptation to infidelity out there. The changes in my wife’s appearance were a CHOICE…” Hey buddy…I’d say the temptations of infidelity are a CHOICE also. Sounds to me like the husband wants to have his cake and eat it too!!!!!

• Dear Cat,
  That guy who said his wife’s post-pregnancy body made her unlovable deserved every bit of the sharp criticism he got from you and your readers. I have no idea who he is, but his letters could have been written by my ex-husband. He set me free to find a real man when he walked out on our marriage (which I’m grateful for), but before he left, he treated me like dirt because I had the audacity to gain weight after surgery and then had trouble losing it. Never mind the fact that I supported him financially and emotionally, or that I gave up a home I loved so he could work at his family’s business when he couldn’t keep a job anywhere else. I suspect that the guy’s looks aren’t exactly movie star-worthy, yet he’s selfish, narcissistic, and expects his wife to look like she just stepped off a runway a few months after giving birth. Maybe he feels that way because the media bombards us with photos of celebrity moms who seem to recover their size 2 bodies almost immediately after leaving the delivery room — but more likely, he’s just a callous ass. If he can’t see past her stretch marks and love her for personality traits like kindness, a sense of humor, patience, etc., she’d do better to leave him and find someone who will give her the respect and unconditional love she deserves.

• Cat:
  Regarding New Dad...
  If this is how he reacts after a baby, how can you expect him to treat you if you have a medical condition down the road that removes a breast, scars your body in some other way, or impacts your ability to be the ‘arm candy’ in which he is apparently most interested? What will this teach his daughter about valuing other people? Will he want to trade in his child if she happens not to conform to his ideal body rules? He needs to go… either to counseling, or out the door.
  — ‘Sick of shallow men & still single’

• Loved today’s column. Can I get a, “Hell yeah!” ? I hope he reads it and is ashamed of himself.

• Dear Cat,
  I have to take umbrage with the collective response to New Dad. It is all too easy to pile on top of this guy, calling him selfish, thoughtless or immature. Sure, he’s a tempting target. But don’t you think he knows that? Don’t you think he agonized over everything pointed out by your readers before he resorted to writing to you with his problems? He probably feels selfish, guilty, and torn about this to begin with. There is no point in telling him to grow up or to put his wife’s feelings before his own, because nothing about the situation is within his power to change. I think you (and your readers) may have entirely missed the point of his letter.

• Regarding the new dad and his overweight wife. I guess my problem with this guy is that his wife’s looks seem to be the only thing important to him. Like most men, when my wife had children (2 in our case) we certainly miss the tighter, less marked body she used to have. In my case I was also a little upset because she did next to nothing to keep herself in any kind of better physical condition. But, it wasn’t the change in looks that eventually caused our divorce. My wife stopped being any kind of wife and became a full-time mother and I was the oldest child. It was difficult for me to be interested in intimacy after getting a lecture on one thing or another. Unfortunately, after being treated like a child for a period of time I started acting like one now and then. I take the blame for that. The bottom line: I wanted to spend less and less time with her. There was no changing her and I couldn’t deal with it. Nothing is inevitable but the break-up wasn’t hard to see coming.

• Hi Cat,
  I always enjoy your column but I really wanted to thank you for your recent one taking the new dad to the woodshed. What a creep! I wish the best for his wife and child, either with the newly-enlightened him, or as far away from him as possible!

• I just read the column about the new dad. What a tool. I remember vividly the punishment my ex-wife’s body sustained after the birth of our first child. I was blessed with the opportunity to take family medical leave when she returned to work. I spent every minute of every day of those twelve weeks exhausted. The notion of exercise and caring for myself was the furthest thing from my mind! Perhaps our friend, the tool, is overwhelmed with being a new dad. Perhaps he never loved his wife. But if he doesn’t get his head together he’ll lose out on the best thing going – being a father, a dad.

• I just read new dad article and I want to applaud you on how you handled his question. The remarks from the fathers were the straight-forward thinking that puts us in the 21st century. What an inconsiderate a$$ and to think his poor wife doesn’t even know that he’s a jerk (or maybe she does). My heart goes out to her. I had my baby 14 1/2 months ago and still have 10lbs to get to my pre-baby weight. I am so grateful that my husband loves and appreciates me for all I am and tries to understand what I just went through without passing judgement.

• On that husband with the chubby wife … I want to defend him. I am a female (and chubby). If you married because of your physical attraction then, sure, you would be ready to bolt. It only makes sense…. So I guess you will not miss being there as your child grows up. And you will not know the beauty of a wife who loves you when you go bald, get fat, have long nose and ear hairs and pass very smelly gas. Mutual unconditional love makes physical attraction dull by comparison. It is easy to love someone who is perfect and beautiful. You have not evolved yet. I love my husband… not his hair… not his teeth… his mid section… Maybe your next marriage will be the real thing, not the result of a physical attraction. Passion is fine but it burns fast. That is life. Move on, your wife deserves a husband who loves her. Try to do better next time.

• Dear Cat,
  A couple random thoughts on the New Dad. All of the answers were incredibly insensitive to how he’s been feeling. Most of the comments are also wrong. While a woman’s body does go through dramatic changes and stress from childbirth, she doesn’t have to get fat from overeating. He didn’t marry a fat woman and isn’t attracted to fat women. If it’s only been a couple of weeks, he is being insensitive. If it’s been 6 or more months SHE is being insensitive, and using the excuse of giving birth for not caring for her husband’s needs and desires. Do you really think telling him he’s an insensitive lout is going to help the situation? I very much feel the responses were insensitive, PC, and very unhelpful.

• Dear Ms. Cat,
  I like your Sexy Superhero list. It’s cute. Good sign that girls really do like a sense of humor and still have one of their own. Just read your column for the first time. How did I not know about you before? Keep up the good work.

• Hey Cat,
  I don’t know if I agree with your sexiest superhero call. I’d have to go with your second choice, the one you refer to as Mr. Sexy Sr. I’m with you there. I’d put Hancock second, then your boy Trevor, then The Hulk and Batman last ‘cause if the latest rumors are true he probably shouldn’t be on the list anyway.
  — HuffPost fan

• Regarding going to strip clubs... First, your poll should have included the options for ‘Okay if honest’ and ‘Kick to the curb for lying’. See, I’m totally honest and 100% open with my significant other regarding ‘adult’ entertainment. She not only accepted my honesty, she found out she liked it. Both the honesty and the adult entertainment.
  -Lucky Mike

Hey Cat: In response to Sounding Bored I am single and my sister flat out tells me how annoying it is to hear me complain about it, so I’ve stopped. That’s what I would have told this sibling to say. But I hate when people say, “when you stop looking, you’ll find him” or “love comes when you least expect it.” As a single girl, that’s the worst advice ever because I don’t feel like I’m out there actively trying to find a boyfriend. It’s because of sayings like those that this single sister probably looks like she isn’t trying. You’re right to tell her to put herself out there, but she needs to be open and decide for herself if she’s actually ready. No advice or blind dates can help that.

Cat,
The single sister in Sounding Bored might not have dates because she’s rude. The letter said she had a dated scheduled then backed out at the last minute! Why would her sister even want to set her up with anyone? She might say yes, then say no and leave them high and dry. She needs to work on her manners before she has a right to complain about not having dates. She had one but she blew it off. Serves her right.
— Alan (Chicago, IL)

Hey Cat,
In response to Sounding Bored, the “wonderful, intelligent, successful sister” did herself a great disservice by backing out of that blind date. I was set up on a blind date by my mother and my now-wife’s sister in law. The blind date was scary at first, but we had fun and really enjoyed each other’s company. We continued to date for 5 1/2 months, became engaged, got married 1 1/2 years later and are celebrating our 12th anniversary this coming November. We also have 2 wonderful little boys. Not only that, my wife’s brother was also set up on a blind date with his future wife and now they’ve been married for nearly 10 years and have a son. So you see, not all blind dates are horrible. Sometimes, you might even find “the one.”

Cat,
Regarding Broke Best Man – he is complaining about a situation that women have had to deal with for years. When my roommate got married a decade ago, she put her bridesmaids (including me) into debt to pay for the dresses, shoes, etc., knowing full well that we couldn’t afford it (nevermind how awful we looked in them, and that we had to buy, not rent them), but it was her wedding, and that was that. The groom did pay for the tuxedos – which were much less expensive ($50 each compared to the $200 plus alterations on the dresses). Weddings have gotten completely out of control, and it’s now finally starting to be a financial burden to the men as well as the women. Maybe the recession will make people see what a waste of money the fancy wedding has become.

Cat:
It is NOT tacky to have groomsman pay for their tuxedos. I have been in about 8 weddings over the past 10 years and have ALWAYS had to pay for the tux myself. That’s just the way it works. The groomsman should be honored they were asked in the first place.

Hi Cat,
That guy in the middle of divorce is way rushing things. He should try being on his own, or at least not living with someone, for a little while before jumping into another marriage. He’s wigged out about rushing things but he’s the one who’s already sharing a roof with someone while he’s still married!! That’s my ‘call’.