Dear Cat:
I happened to see the letter in your column regarding friends with benefits and I wanted to make a comment. I have a male friend and we have been friends for over 20 years. We have a sexual relationship, but there is no romance involved. We do love each other as friends and I have to say he is the best friend I have ever had. He doesn’t judge me, listens to me and when I tell him something in confidence, it doesn’t go any further. It is possible to have this kind of relationship, but it takes a certain kind of man and woman to make it work. I was really happy to see that you disagreed with the person who wrote the letter. I have morals, self respect and class and so does he. We both like sex and neither of us is interested in a romantic relationship. I think the fact that we have been doing this for so long, proves that it can work.
—Happy Friend
Hi Cat,
I had to respond to the Friends with Benefits questions you’ve been getting. With all due respect, I believe you didn’t give much thought to women’s sexual nature. I believe it’s in a woman’s nature to have an emotional connection with the man she’s making love. Therefore, though in this age of “cool” women they’ll have sex with no emotional bond, I honestly believe those “hook-ups” will ultimately leave a woman feeling lonely, depressed, and feeling used. I’ve dated women for 30+ years and I can tell you that VERY few women can have “just sex.” I don’t believe it’s in their nature. To prove my point, look at homosexuals. Gay men have far more lovers in their lifetime than the average lesbian. I think that proves the point that women, by and large, seek emotional depth more than variety.
Dear Cat,
I think this man (above) has missed the point. The modern day woman has realized there are not a lot of men willing to commit. If she truly enjoys making love, as I do, she has learned to turn off her feelings and accept what is happening is strictly for pure enjoyment. Many women, from what I have recently learned, also use men exactly the way men use women – physical fulfillment. Do we want monogamous relationships? Damn straight, but today’s man is mostly out for himself and not willing to commit to fidelity, so we have accepted our fate and have either turned to the vibrator or to lovemaking without the love. It’s today’s contemporary society and we have learned to deal with it.
Cat:
I have only recently started reading your column, and the friends with benefits answer and subsequent responses peaked my interest. Thereâs the simple point that we are in fact animals, more complex yes, but animals just the same. What many people forget is that trying to hide behind big concepts like morality, self respect, and self control is not only ineffective, itâs lunacy. Denying oneself just leads to stress, temptation, and eventually disaster. We can only be truly happy if we can embrace every part of our being, even the base animal self that so many people try to hide from the world. Coincidentally, we are closest to our animal self when we let go of our self control in the throes of particularly good sex. How are we to find a true match, a real partner, if we are living in constant denial of our true selves? Ironically, those people that cry the loudest about moral corruption and indecency are the ones with the biggest, dirtiest secrets. But the naughty things they do behind closed doors isnât the issue though, what the rest of us do is.
Cat:
I am also in a friends with benefits relationship and just like her I wouldn’t change a thing. We have great chemistry and great sex and we teach each other a lot. He is 24 and I am 22. We’ve known each other for over 4 years but started the ‘friends with benefits’ almost 6 months ago now. It is like a relationship but without the title. Like you said both partners have to be very respectful of one another’s boundaries and limitations if any. I like my guy friend a lot but can’t and won’t be in a relationship right now. We even work together! There have been days that we spend 22 hours out of the day for over a month’s time and still get along great.
Cat:
I am also in a friends with benefits relationship and we have a lot of fun. He is 49 and I am 37. We were friends for a long time before we crossed the line, but we are still good friends and go out to dinner and on short vacations together. We also spend weekends together when our schedules let us. I have been in several long term relationships and it always end up with jealousy because I have alot of male friends and of course I probably slept with all of them (which is not true at all). My last relationship was like that, I couldn’t take it anymore and then he cheated on me and that was it. The “friends” relationship is no pressure for that, we talk freely and if ever we would meet someone and get to that level, we would end that part of our relationship but still continue to be good friends and continue hanging out and enjoying each others company. I am also one of those singles that have a hard time meeting people. I am up north and have been thru the bar scene and in my line of work I don’t get to meet a lot of nice people that I can date. Hopefully someday that someone will come around and I will be able to spend the rest of my life with.
Hey Cat,â¨
In re friends w/ benefits, what doesnât that lady get? My call: People like to bone. End of story.
Cat:
It sounds like Overly Optimistic is attending Worship for the wrong reasons or he would also be attending Services when he is out of town on business as well.
Hi, Cat:
I agree with your first two suggestions for Holding on to Hope. Beyond that, tell her to get over this guy posthaste. Men who break up with their women right before Christmas, a birthday, or Valentine’s Day are doing so by design. This should be taken as a very strong message that a guy wants to get away from you in the worst way, and he wants to make it hurt while he’s at it. He “wanted to visit friends,” because he knew that was NOT what she wanted to do. This facilitated the fight and the “timely” breakup. I hope that Holding picks option 2 and gets something nice for you. Let Him Go!
Cat:
I am appalled with the advice you gave to the friends with benefits writer. You implied in your answer there is ‘little’ harm of friends having sex without strings attached depending upon the ‘maturity’ of each individual. Let me ask you, what ever happened to values, morality, self respect, and, self control? You wasted an opportunity to teach someone that values and personal dignity matter. Instead you took the easy way out and lowered your own standards.
Hi Cat
I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy reading your column and how much I look forward to every Tuesdayâs Post Gazette. I think your advice is absolutely incredible and you give it in such a classy and understanding matter, it really makes for enjoyable reading. Itâs nice to know that there are a few caring individuals left in our crazy world! I wish you much continued success with your column for many, many years to come!
Thank You! (Ohio)
Hey Cat!
I was just wondering what your take is on the Emo Subculture particularly emo boys. I’ve just started hearing about it so I’ve been checking it out on the web. Let’s see, combed down hair brushed across the forehead, a wool scarf, and skinny jeans. At first I thought I was looking at a Beatle snowman wearing pegged pants. And the guys wearing eyeliner and kissing each other. I’m all for androgeny and sensitivity but is this stuff genuine or are they just trying to piss people off? Don’t get me wrong the only way this would bother me is if one of the guys tried to kiss me. Actually the one thing that does bother me is pairing up skinny jeans with chuck all-stars. I think a nice pair of ballet flats would work much better.
In response to Tuesday’s (1/29) column in the post-gazette – I completely disagree with your response. It’s her friend! Not her husband! I leave my phone on vibrate at work, and sometimes forget to get it out of my briefcase all weekend. I like to be disconnected for a couple of days and I hate the thought of having to feel ‘guilty’ about it. Where was she on vacation? If I were having a fabulous time and spontaneously decided to stay an extra week, the last thing I need is to have to ‘report’ to someone about it. I say, grow up! The friend is allowed to have time for herself without having to be nagged about it. Accept and love her as she is… or don’t. But stop whining!
Hey Cat,
It’s true you have to be careful what kinds of questions you ask with people online because people get worked up over the smallest things. It has nothing to do with those guys being gay. The whole internet thing makes people really private, probably because most of them are cheating on someone and don’t want to get caught. I’m not the only one who thinks that but maybe it’s not always true. Anyway just wanted to share my opinion. Thanks.
What’s your teeth like? Never seen em but love that big nose and eyes. Not so secret admirer. Old enough to be your dad
Hey Cat! No question, just a comment. I have noticed over the past few months that you’ve had a fair number of people asking for advice because someone isn’t replying to calls, texts, or voicemails. I just went through it in 2007 with one of those people who swears you’re the best friend ever (every time she was “in crisis” I heard it) but wasn’t available when she didn’t need a friend. (Example, no problem calling me any hour day or night if she had a crisis, but didn’t have time to return a simple “what’s up” call if there wasn’t a crisis). I eventually emailed her a long one saying I was tired of it and we are done. My comment is that you have been wonderfully consistent in saying to move on. Best advice you could give. I did it and the next Cat’s Call reinforced it in a response to someone. I have been so glad I did it. It can be painful to realize someone is only a friend when THEY need one, but it eventually becomes freeing to know it too. Great advice, Cat. One more thing. I really thought I had to be alone in this, but I see now from your column that it is fairly common. It’s sad to see it is so common, but at least I know it isn’t just me getting burned. I’m not the only sucker—-yay! Anyway, thanks for a great read!
