Hi Cat,
I want to comment about the overweight (or formerly overweight) woman in today’s column. Yes it’s great she lost weight and feels so much better but sometimes people get holier-than-thou attitudes when they get thin (or quit smoking or drinking or whatever). She might have changed her own attitude toward her friends without realizing it. She might kind of look down on them now. Maybe they don’t want to take causal strolls if they never did that before. Or maybe her new exercise routine makes her more unavailable than she was before. It’s something to consider, though you also made excellent points. — Sarah G. (Raleigh, NC)
kitty kat? This old dog thinks youâre drop dead gorgeous and wants to buy you some cat foodâ¦.rrrrrrruuuufffâ¦..rrrrruuuuffff
Cat:
Regarding your response to this week’s first letter It’s not her job to support boyfriend, there are other aspects to consider as well. First, the writer says on one hand that the boyfriend’s not lazy, but later suspects he’s not trying very hard to find a job. It sounds like the latter is the case. His reticence to really pound the pavement and try like hell to find a good job is a big red flag. It’s indicative of a personality that is, shall we say, not exactly a go-getter. And while his laid-back attitude may be fine while they’re dating, would the writer really want to one day be married to and sharing a life with a slacker like this? Secondly, I think a person’s emotional reaction to unemployment is also VERY revealing. My ex-husband lost his job more than once, and each time reacted with constant bitterness, anger and verbal abuse. He was absolute hell to live with. (Hence the ‘ex’ status.) Last year my fiance lost his job, and my radar went up. I thought, “Here it is, the crisis that’s going to tell me so much more about this man I already know so well.” To my delight (but not to my surprise, really), he handled the situation with complete dignity and grace. He looked nonstop for a job and went on plenty of interviews. He kept his head up and looked at the positives, like more time to be at home and getting things done there while he doggedly looked for a job. While he was occasionally discouraged by an interview or a response letter, he always maintained an even, positive keel. He ended up finding a great job in his career field and is very happy with it. And I thanked my lucky stars that I had finally found a wonderful, kind man. The writer needs to look at this time as an opportunity to really get to know the boyfriend, warts and all. If she can handle him at what is certainly a low point in his life, fine. If not, she needs to move on.
Cat:
Boy did you miss the mark on to nag or not to nag. The boyfriend has been unemployed for seven months? It is time for her to move on unless she wants to marry the bum and support him until she finally comes to her senses. She says he isn’t lazy, LOL! I married a guy like that and worked as a professional plus had up to 3 additional part time jobs to support our kids and his expensive hobbies while he worked an occasional part time job. Finally after 13 years I came to my senses and threw him out.
Hi Cat,
Just read your advice regarding the person whose boyfriend has been unemployed for several months and hasn’t found a job yet. I appreciated your advice to stick with him and be supportive without forking over hard-earned cash. (Though I admit I think it would be OK for him/her to pick up the occasional grocery bill or something similar if he/she is in the position, just to relieve a little stress. Emphasis on “occasional”!) I have a similar story with an interesting ending…when my boyfriend and I first began dating five years ago, he was unemployed but had savings to live on for a bit. He was admirably relentless in his job searching and occasionally freelanced but just couldn’t find the right job due to the economy, where we lived, his line of work, etc. For the most part, I kept my mouth shut and only offered my advice and opinions when asked. Over a year later, he found a job…in another state. By this time we were living together and I supported him emotionally as he pursued this job and his dream of working in a particular industry, both not found where we lived. I made the leap to move there a few months later, after making sure that he liked the job and would stick with it (as well as finding my own job). Two years after my move, with both of us employed and successful, we were married. When I think about those tough times in the beginning of our relationship, I sometimes wonder "what was I thinking?!" getting involved with a man who was unemployed for so long, but never once did he ask me for money or take advantage of me financially, and something inside told me that if given the right opportunity, he’d succeed. And he has. The irony is that now, his job has taken us back to where we originally lived, and now I’m the one interviewing for jobs. The dynamics of the relationship are changed, of course, since we’re married, but it’s funny how things have come full circle and now he’s the one giving me the emotional (and occasional financial) support that I gave him all those years ago.
I hope this couple makes it and I think your advice was right on. You didn’t discourage this person from the relationship, but rather encouraged him/her to be cautious with his/her finances and offer help in other ways. Lord knows I’ve proofread my fair share of cover letters! A lot of people would have told this person to move on, and maybe he/she will need to do that at some point, but for now, letting him work it out himself while sticking by him could be what he needs to succeed. Sorry for the long email! Love reading your column every Tuesday… wish it was longer! Take care and have a great day.
Hi Cat,
I want to chime in on the sex-less couple question. It doesn’t matter that they’re gay, it doesn’t matter that they have a house, none of that matters. If people have NO sex at all with each other, that’s a big problemo. She says that she’s sure her girlfriend isn’t cheating but you can never be 100% sure. I’m not saying it’s definitely the reason but she could be cheating in her mind and the woman wouldn’t know it. All I can say is, if gay couples aren’t having sex either then they should be allowed to get married because that’s proof they’re just like almost everyone else I know who’s married. Thanks for letting me chime. BTW I’m a 38 yr old man in a fully sexual straight relationship but I still feel kind of sorry for that woman. Every woman deserves to be treated with respect. See ya.
Dear Cat,
I have to agree that the woman’s excuse, ‘that’s just not where my head is’ is vague on purpose, extremely selfish, and an unfair explanation of her refusal to give her partner any affection. This pattern will only see their relationship destroyed in time. The question writer should give her an ultimatum right now: explain yourself or I’m out.
— S. J. (Chicago, IL)
Hi Cat,
RE Love enough reason to live together. In a healthy, mature relationship, the man should marry the woman, and then live together AFTER the honeymoon. A truly committed relationship is between a husband and wife for a lifetime. Anything less is lame. Keep up the good work.
hello cat,
just a quick comment to your advice to the gentleman who wants to live with his girlfriend but does not want to upset the parents who are somewhat old-fashioned. i think that this is bad advice because, if there is a separation, there is no legal protection for either parties. this creates a messy situation of trying to equally divide up assets and debts – at least, if there is a marriage, there are some legal remedies. Lastly, it is often the ladies who come up with the short end of these arrangements whenever there is a separation.
— Of The “Old-Fashioned” Generation
Cat:
I write to strongly disagree with your advice. I am the parent of 4 adult sons. I don’t support your viewpoint at all. I don’t believe in living together without marriage or premarital sex for that matter. Your advice is disrespectful to those of us who feel as we do. Many adult children are not financially independent but feel they can shove their lifestyle down the throats of their parents. I also notice that young adults feel they can say anything they want about everything but when their parents state their opinions, [they] are often labeled out of town with the times. How refreshing it would be if you turn out to be different.
Hey Cat,
I liked your call about getting engaged before moving in together. Usually I’d say don’t even bother moving in with your boyfriend (I’ve been there) but in this case the couple is already really involved with the families and they’re planning on getting engaged anyway. It’d be one thing if they weren’t really serious yet, but that’s not the case in this situation. Usually it’s a bad idea to live together without a serious commitment because when you break up it’s a nightmare – like getting a divorce but people can just walk away and leave you high and dry. Good call. — Wouldn’t Do It Without A Ring (Washington, DC)
Cat:
I am writing to express my disappointment with today’s Cat’s Call column that ran under the headline Love is enough reason to live together. The column itself answers a question about living together with this question: “What are you waiting for?” The second of two answers in today’s column advised the letter writer on how to handle her lesbian relationship. I’m sure that many people would agree with me that none of this is worthy of a periodical that refers to itself as one of One of America’s Great Newspapers or for that matter any periodical at all. —Anonymous
Cat,
I am DDW in the cheating question. I just wanted to thank you for opening this up to your readers. In going through the answers on your web site, I am getting more insight into my friend and quite frankly, I am becoming more disappointed as I read. It has been a learning experience and kudos to your readers for being so honest and giving all of us more to ponder. And maybe his wife isn’t so duped… perhaps she just likes her lifestyle and her social standing. Have a great day!
Dear Cat,
If I didn’t know better, I would think the letter from Definitely Disappointed Woman was written about me. I also was expecting when we got married, he started cheating on me before our 1st anniversary and it continued until the kids were having a 25th anniversary party for us. We have four kids and he’s a well-liked professional. I lied and covered for him for 25 years. He would leave me at home six nights a week – our kids were all conceived on Sundays. One time he asked for a divorce. I refused. There was no way I would leave him. He was making good money and I wasn’t about to scrimp and deny my kids and worry about funding them. We just celebrated our 53rd anniversary. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about the hurt he put me through. He’s very good to me now and says he’s trying to make it up for what he did. He never did say “I’m sorry” though. I do know that I will never trust him again. We are both retired now, the “love” word never said between us. Even after all this time I don’t know what my feelings are for him. I just wanted to share this. Ladies, check the post on the steering wheel column, that is where he would put his wedding ring. — Been There!
Hi Cat,
My ‘call’ on why people cheat is: because they attach too much or too little emotion to sex. If it’s too much, then they cheat to escape the pressure and it turns into a self-perpetuating cycle. If it’s too little, they approach sexual conquest the same way they think of money – the more the better.
-Take It From A Former Cheater (Cambridge, MA)
Cat:
I believe the truth of your statement â people cheat because they can. However, in my experience, men rarely cheat without their wife/girlfriend being aware of it on some level. They may not have concrete proof, but one should never underestimate the power of a womanâs intuition. I dated a man who cheated on and off for almost 6 years, but I canât sit back and play the innocent victimâs role. I caught him cheating and took him back. I suspected it, but fabricated âexcuses:â heâs busy at work, he has family obligations, etc. He cheated because he could – and I allowed it! I finally got smart (and gained enough self-esteem) and walked away, but any woman who has been in a relationship for 25 years has some indication of what her husbandâs doing. If she doesnât, then itâs little wonder heâs cheating!
Cat:
PEOPLE (both men and women) cheat because they are HUMAN. I have been cheated on and I have cheated. It hurts and it is dishonest, but accepting it is easier than fighting it. Fighting it sets one up for disappointment and heartbreak. I am not so naive to think that I am so interesting, so attractive, so perfect that my husband should be thankful to be with me. Yes, he does respect me and I adore and respect him, but I accept the fact that we are both HUMAN and although we pledge to love each other and our children, we also pledge to be honest with ourselves and each other. We work hard not to be drawn to other people, but we have both been unfaithful in the past and have grown and learned from it. ‘Cheating’ needs to be seperated from ‘loving’ someone other than your spouse. Shame on you for calling people that aren’t perfect (as obviously YOU must be) immature and selfish. PERFECT people aren’t human. Human people can feel something other than the religious sword at their throat and the pious slaps on the hand. It’s called LIFE…..human beings live it. Get a clue, Cat.
- I have no idea what you’re talking about, but thanks for your thoughts! -Cat
Cat,
I can offer my theory why men cheat as I was married to a man who cheated… I think they cheat because they believe someone else is responsible for their happiness. They do not understand that they are responsible for that, so they look for a fix. BTW, I love your columns! Keep it up, girlfriend!
Cat:
If women want to understand why men cheat, I ask them this…imagine if I told you that to prove you love me you can only eat your favorite meal (let’s say pizza, since its easy to type) for the rest of your life. Pizza, morning, noon and night, and if you decide you want to eat something else, you don’t really love me. Or perhaps, let’s say you could only chat with one person the rest of your life, or you don’t love me. Or only get to read one book, see one movie, listen to one album for the rest of your life. If you fail, you don’t really love me. Now, of course, women will say, sex is different. Yes, it is, it is way more important (biologically programmed) to us than any of these other things. Why do men cheat? They are asked to follow unrealistic rules and given NO understanding for the situation they are placed in.
Cat:
One of the reasons people cheat is that our society has no morals, standards or values left. It has become almost accepted behavior to cheat on your spouse. Not many people care enough and there are no consequences the actions. Also as you indicated it is not just men that do the cheating. As a society we have to start to care about our values, morals and marriages and then maybe cheating will decline.
Cat:
Men cheat simply because it’s in their biological nature. It makes more sense for us to lay our seed in as many women as possible. Simply put, you cannot blame us men for cheating. You can blame us for being dishonest if we say we’re going to be exclusive and aren’t, but not for our nature. How can you blame someone for the way they are born? Women should stop expecting monogamy from men, and our culture should evolve into one where we can all be honest with each other about our desires. In all honesty, it gets lame hearing over and over again some silly question like , “why do men cheat?”. The question should be “how have we managed to impair the male nature so much that most men are exclusive to one woman”. Again, don’t get me wrong. I believe dishonesty is wrong, but women need to stop expecting monogamy and then maybe honesty will become more common place for men and we’ll all have healthier lives and relationships. Don’t blame us. Here’s a thought from my experience: (This is a generalization) – Women tend to cheat out of some sort of confidence issue. Either lack of confidence in themselves, or possibly the relationship or the guy that they’re seeing. Out of women I’ve slept with about 80% i would say have had no ‘desire to cheat’, until I had ‘moved on’ to other women. I am honest with every woman I sleep with. I tell them honestly that I find them beautiful and wonderful, but that I am in tune with my male nature, and that I will not be exclusive. It is the woman’s fault for not listening to what I say and assuming that they can change me. It’s silly too because most have admitted that they’re attracted to me because I am so in tune with my maleness. (Yet they try and change it and turn me into a woman by trying to coerce me into monogamy). Biologically speaking, a woman has little incentive to cheat. She can only bear one man’s child at a time. So just because you women don’t have our biological instincts to mate with as many people as possible, don’t look down on us for simply being in tune with our natural goddess given instincts. “Judge Not. For You Judge Yourself” – The Great Bob Marley
Good morning, Cat!
Thanks so much for the entertaining column and your razor sharp replies! I always look forward to Tuesdays! I wanted to offer my two cents about why people cheat. I am happily married for eight years to the best woman ever with three handsome little boys. I cannot imagine sacrificing that kind of wealth for anything (job, another woman, etc.), and here’s why: (a) integrity; I gave my word to her, to her parents, and to all those in attendance that I would love, honor, and cherish her till we die. I intend to keep my word till I die. (b) contentment; if I have what I know to be a truly awesome situation, anyone or anything else would be a step down. So why sample someone less than the best woman ever? I’m fine with who I have! They say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Of course, it’s greener over the septic tank, too, but we all know why! © thankfulness; knowing that I have been a royal first class horrific jerk in my past makes me scratch my head sometimes and wonder, “Yikes, God entrusted me with this fine lady and our young princes after the messes I’ve made in previous relationships?” Cat, I do not take that kind of, well, grace, lightly! I am so very thankful for the life I have now. Why go back to jerkiness? It benefited no one. Anyway, my two cents is that if people are not thankful for who they have, or content with the person they are with, they might cheat. Of course, integrity can trump that lack of the other two. And it is independent of those other two, as well! But if one lacks integrity, all bets are off and anything can happen. Thanks for again for your great work! Have a super day!
Dear Cat:
You could look up the definition of Emotionally Unavailable and find my picture there. That guy needs to quit sulking and get out his head and remember that the world is full of women. Ok so maybe he won’t feel the same about them as he does about his ex, but he can have all the other women until he works up the nerve to go get her back. Provided somebody else hasn’t already laid claim to her. My call is: make a decision and stick with it. I eventually did get back together with my ex. It was worth it but I don’t regret the fun I had in the interim.
Hi Cat,
I know exactly how Emotionally Unavailable feels. Two years after my ex and I broke up I was still thinking about him all the time. And like the guy who wrote to you I always felt like I shouldn’t be thinking of him. I knew we had really been in love and pretty much let the relationship go because of stupid things. I called him out of the blue one day and it turned out that he was always thinking of me too. You can figure out that we got back together and it’s been amazing. Sometimes having time apart makes you sure that you should be together. Just don’t wait two years people!! Thanks for letting me share.
— D.G. (Sacramento, CA)
i have always been curious how a romantic philosopher does in her own romantic world. i envision myself as a bit of a romantic philosopher, and i have found this to be less than an asset when it comes time to “date”. i think there is no map for a human heart, so i try to stick to post-catastrophic words of communion for others…the whole “i share your pain” thing. but you seem actually convinved that your advice can help people. as if a personal love trainer can make a difference in the ring. and so i need to ask you…whatever gave you that silly idea? :)
Dear Cat:
In regard to the young lady known as Quiet Calling I’m surprised you suggested ‘seek professional help’. Quiet Calling may be extremely quiet and shy, but she stated it was mainly her being silent that lost her jobs. Why not suggest work where a quiet personality would fit? The first I thought of was libraries. Our libraries always need people, no matter where they are located. How about a museum? People speak quietly there. Art galleries? Doctor’s offices? Book stores? Hospice or wards of hospitals? All need people who are quiet and soft-spoken. I’m sure that with the right job, some of her shyness would go away in time. If nothing else, transcription work needs quiet people. Hope this helps Quiet Calling. Keep up the good work!
Cat:
I read your response to Torn Apart several times. At first I thought you missed the point but eventually I came around and I think you beautifully expressed the kind of logic that so many people can’t find the words for. I know you have never been married but I think your columns are proof that you don’t have to walk down the aisle to understand how married people should treat one another. It’s a given that you shouldn’t cheat but you touch on the profound way that cheating ‘changes the landscape’ of any relationship. I am happily married for 14 years and I can tell you that marriage doesn’t always make people wiser. Bravo, Cat.
— T.J. (Pittsburgh, PA)
Cat,
Sorry but I believe you totally messed up telling Torn Apart – to confess an instance of cheating to his wife will only serve to help destroy his marriage. As I read it, the man is actually looking for forgiveness for one act of stupidity. This should be done with a minister or counselor. You said she needed to know whether or not she can trust him. I agree, but if this was TRULY a one time thing, this confession serves no purpose but to destroy their marriage. This man needs to get himself to a minister or a counselor where he can dump and get some assurance. Then he needs to ‘take it to his grave’ – not dump it on his innocent wife.
